


maybe i am not built for love

by noirophelia



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: (kinda), Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, but it isn't really angst... you know, feelings overthinking and all that jazz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 39,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26181301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noirophelia/pseuds/noirophelia
Summary: "Have you ever loved someone but knew you two just don't fit?" with all bravery there is in him, Isak looks up."I think,” Even makes a pause. “It's just an excuse you make for yourself so you don't have to make the first move. Because until you actually experience it, you won't know if you fit or not."___Or, Isak's heart needs time to mend, the new city doesn't want to welcome him nicely, but Even is suddenly there to take his breath away.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Isak Valtersen/Original Male character (one-sided)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 115





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this one was in my drafts for (embarrassingly) too long... i guess now i finally have the right mindset to finish it.
> 
> i feel like this part can be viewed as an introduction, but it is as much as important as the other two i planned to this (they're almost finished, i just need some time to read them through!).
> 
> and pardon my mistakes, as always.

This long winter is finally ending. Isak doesn’t need to look out of the window to know it. 

There is something so restful inside, as if he knows for sure the next couple of days the city will be gifted with the brightest sun and melted snow. Although there’s something else that makes him turn into jelly.

Three years in high school have past so fast- it’s like he didn’t even get to blink twice. Somehow, it turned into constant, never ending line of events that only kept getting worse and worse. The drama of the first year, his dad leaving and mom collapsing; the second year started in a smelly basement, the worst thing of which was in the fact that he had to borrow Eskild’s sheets and share his space with cockroaches. He’s grateful for the experience but he’d rather not to be reminded of that month in his life ever again.

Still, he is here. With four months until graduation left, he is terrified what future might decide to throw at him next. And the thing is, Isak doesn’t care anymore. Maybe it’s exhaustion or maybe he’s just waiting for the best moment to surrender.

If he haven’t already, of course. 

The first thing Isak feels is someone’s hand on his shoulder and then-

“Do you want to hang out tonight?” Anders asks as they leave classroom together. 

Isak should have gotten used to it by now but it always ends up like this. Him, feeling Anders’ touch with every centimeter of his body even with all that clothes on. Through his jacket and sweater and t-shirt. It almost throws him in a cold sweat and when he lingers his gaze on Anders’ palm so close to his face he’s ready to do the stupidest shit like cover it with his own hand, lead him to the bathroom and-

“Yeah, sure,” Isak finally says and forces a smile. 

Don’t get him wrong but it’s all he does lately, really. Says yes and smiles, knowing damn well that every time they hang out together it ends the same. It just leaves him sad and hopeless and so wrong and he doesn’t know what to do with it anymore.

He’s just weak and there’s that.

“Okay, I’ll stop by at eight or something then,” Anders winks and walks away facing Isak for another two seconds. Then he turns away and only then Isak is able to breathe again.

“Or something,” Isak whispers to himself, Anders' touch lingering on his shoulder but Andres himself is already at the other corner of the hall flirting with the first year girl he’s been trying to fuck for the last three weeks. She is pretty and as it seems to Isak she knows what Anders wants and what he’s doing to get it. Isak knows Anders is getting bored; he gives him one more week before he finds someone more intriguing.

Isak isn’t even jealous anymore but was he really to start with?

His friends are waiting for him next to his locker and the second they see him, huge grins bloom on their faces. Isak would love to tease them about it, but moments like this one are too priceless to be made fun of, even if he will never admit it out loud.

He lets himself to get lost in the echoes of _what’s up’s_ and relax a little.

“Are we pre-gaming at yours tonight?” Magnus eventually asks, shifting to give Isak room to take out his textbooks for the next period.

“Uh, no, I’m afraid. I have plans with Anders.”

“But it’s Friday. _Our_ Friday,” Magnus makes a face while Mahdi shakes his head. “And we discussed this several times before? You still owe us beer, by the way.”

Jonas doesn’t say anything and Isak can never read his face when they talk about Anders. Even when they just mention him.

“Don’t start with this, please,” Isak tries to smile and shrug it off, avoiding the stares they are giving him.

“He’s even more of a womanizer than Chris was two years ago,” Magnus states and Isak sees Jonas nodding at him. “And he’s a bit arrogant, too. What the two of you even talk about?”

“Football. Biology. Girls,” Isak shrugs again and breathes out an exhausted sigh. God, he hates this conversation with all his being.

“Doesn’t sound like the truth.”

“Except for the girls part, probably,” Mahdi mumbles.

There’s probably no such thing in the world that can stop Magnus when he wants something. The most stubborn of them all, Isak swears. “Maybe you could invite us too? What do you think, Issy?” 

“Why do you even want to come?” Isak rolls his eyes when he hears the nickname. “You all hate him.”

“We don’t!” Magnus exclaims. “Alright, we kind of do.”

Isak reminds himself that it’s better for everyone to keep his friends and Anders as separate as possible.

“It’s just weird how you got him such a nice present for Christmas and all we got were freaking ugly sweaters,” Magnus sighs leaning with his back on the lockers behind him.

“Not true, I got a cool set of plectrums for my guitar,” Jonas butts in at what Magnus shakes his head.

“You know him for longer than Mahdi and I do, _that_ I can understand,” Magnus keeps pressing. “But the dude got fucking new canvas! It’s even better than Jonas’ present. How did you even know he paints? And where did you get the money for that?”

With a raised eyebrow, Isak quickly gives him an once-over. “So you are saying you are jealous?”

Magnus face softens as he tilts his head, “Is it really a bad thing that we miss you? You don’t spend as much time with us anymore as you did before.” 

At that, Isak doesn’t know what to say. 

He’s such a shitty friend.

“Yeah, man,” Mahdi says, nodding several times. “Anders is fine, I guess. But we’re, like, the original gang. School is over soon, nobody knows where life is going to take us all. Shouldn’t we make the best of it while we still have time?”

Isak just wants to go to sleep.

“Look, let’s meet up on Sunday, okay?” Isak shakes his head in attempt to get his thoughts together. “I just promised my mom I’ll visit her on Saturday.” The boys all let out a sigh like they are done with him and Isak wants to slap himself. “I swear on Sunday I’m all yours.”

He promises himself to never cancel plans with the boys anymore just so he could spend a little more time with Anders. At this point, it’s just pathetic. 

*** 

Some things tend to never change and tonight it’s Isak’s lack of sleep again.

He knows better now that the only two ways to exhaust him is either to cry out everything he has in himself or to keep reading something until his eyes start itching. Crying thing works, like, only once in three months, and Isak is so exhausted right now he’s not in the mood for reading at all.

Repeating like a melody on an old vinyl Isak mutters to himself with his eyes shut:

_It is temporary, you’ll graduating in four month. Just four freaking months. It’s nothing compared to what is already behind. Just wait a little longer and you’ll be gone. It’ll all be gone._

He drifts back to the fantasies of entering university in fall, how he’s just going to leave this goddamn city and finally find fresh air to breath because it cannot keep going like this. 

Isak isn’t even suffocating anymore, he’s _fading away_ and he can feel it right in his bones.

Where is his opinion? Where is his pride? Was it ever there?

He closes his eyes and thinks back to the start of this year when he stumbled upon those gray eyes and sweet smile that just won’t leave his mind even though he wants them to so bad. He remembers how he was the first one to introduce himself to him, then his boys joined but quickly left and the two of them kept standing there talking about something Isak can’t recall anymore. It was probably the basic stuff about school and grades and joking about teachers.

Isak didn’t even know then why he did that, noticed this new kid on the first day of school and approached him.

He felt how his blood was boiling when he thought of kissing him for the first time and he couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him ever since. Lying now in his bed alone doesn’t help at all. Isak just maybe, only maybe wishes they could share a bed.

Isak would like to hold someone.

Closing his eyes once again, he pictures the graduation, some party they both are going to attend. Maybe it’s when he gets a chance to open up. Say something silly like _you have no idea, but I have feelings for you. I know you won’t ever feel the same, it’s alright, I just wanted you to know_ while they are at some stupid party, people’s loud yelling overshadowing the music. Because who the fuck cares if school is over and everyone is going to live their new lives anyway? 

Not a romantic setting, Isak knows that. He doesn’t need romantic, though. He never thought of himself as of a romantic type, not really. But how can he be sure, if he never really dated anyone?

Sara doesn’t count. Or, maybe she does, he just doesn’t want to think about it anymore. Mostly, he doesn’t know how to describe what he was feeling back then. Now the memories are so, so blurry and the whole thing is so unimportant and just _silly_. It’s exhausting, okay? 

Sara used to talk more than Isak would prefer. She liked to wear pastel turtlenecks and light blue skinny jeans when they used to hang out at her place and she always smelled nice. Holding her felt good even if when they kissed he felt nothing. Holding her was better than lying alone on Friday evenings anyway. 

There also was another girl last fall, Emma. She was cute but it took him a few weeks to make her get the hint he’s not interested. It’s when his boys got caught up in their own shit and stopped paying attention to his love life, it’s also when he allowed himself to calm down for a second and breathe out. Faking a relatiopnship was one of the most energy consuming things he's ever done.

And now it’s absolute madness, a total disaster in his head again, the ambulance’s sirens keep yelling loud in his mind. Isak’s disarrayed thoughts tangle even more because the ones from the household mess and his dad’s lie are still there, those he just hadn’t have enough time to sort out completely yet. 

Being in love with a boy doesn’t help at all. 

Sometimes it is kind of nice, though. In the grand scheme of things.

If he imagines Anders answering his feelings right back, it’s nothing, right? Thinking about something, even if it’s selfish, cannot define you as a bad person, right? Also thinking about doing something isn’t the same as actually doing it. So why is he feeling like he does something weird and wrong then, if it’s only in his head? He can’t make Anders like him but nobody can make Isak like someone else instead as well. 

So thank God people can’t read each other’s thoughts.

His thoughts are suddenly interrupted by Noora’s yelling in the living room. 

The strangest thing, Isak realizes, Noora never yells. Well, at least Isak has never heard her do that. And now, at three in the morning Isak can’t sleep again because of his dumb thoughts while his roommate is yelling and he can hear it. It’s just once, though, two or three loud, angry words Isak wasn’t able to make out and then it’s quiet again. Almost like he made it up in his head. She’s probably on the phone with someone – with her parents or… William. Isak actually doesn’t even know how that thing ended. If it ended at all.

Isak heard someone say once that things get better. Without explanation. That one morning you will wake up and you’re happy, utterly and totally elated. And until this day he keeps repeating it in his head, it’s his mantra and he desperately wants to believe in it, but nothing good ever happens anymore. Things do not get better. They are either stay the same as they were or they get even worse.

_Bad days are temporary!_

Bullshit. 

Well, not really. Bad days do tend to end, yes, but so as good ones. This zebra pattern of so supposed black and white lines people experience in Isak’s case is all shades of grey and it’s a mess. Sometimes he gets light dots here and there, if he is lucky.

Yesterday Isak’s been glaring at the ceiling for an hour and a half trying to wrap his head around why these bruises inside him are so painful to touch. Tonight isn’t that different.

So he stands up from the bed and makes his way to the kitchen because, well, he’s thirsty. On the way back, he lurks into the living room and stops. He sees Noora on the couch. She's hugging her knees, her whole body shaking.

“Hey,” he whispers but Noora doesn’t answer, she just hides her face in her hands and turns away from him.

“Why are you not sleeping?” she asks a few moment later, and even through whisper you can hear her voice break.

Whether it’s selfishness or the clouded mind of his, he doesn’t care right now. Maybe Noora is the only person who can read his thoughts and she knows he has problems with sleeping, and that he’s lonely and sad and hopeless. Maybe she’s feeling just the same.

He shrugs even though she can’t see him, “Why aren’t you?”

Isak is standing in the doorway to the living room in one only t-shirt and boxers, not in the right mind to say anything else.

So he doesn’t, he just takes several steps closer to the couch. Noora flinches but moves over to the wall to make room for Isak – and it’s sort of uncomfortable but also nice, in a way, when he wraps his arms around her and just holds her. Noora rests her head on his shoulder, her chin digging into his skin for a second, but then she relaxes and breathes out. It’s nice and it’s warm, the silence envelops them but in a magic way there is, it’s getting easier to breathe.

“You won’t ask what happened?” Noora lets out so, so quiet Isak thinks he made it up. He already started thinking she’d fallen asleep.

He wants to shake his head but it’s stupid and difficult in his position, so he sighs, not opening his eyes – he’s tired and just wants to sleep. “I know that sometimes there are things you don’t want to talk about.” She hugs him by the waist tighter. “But maybe you want to tell me?” he still asks then. 

After she falls silent Isak doesn’t expect her to say anything, but she does. “Love, it’s- it’s so fucking complicated.”

“A way to put it, yes,” Isak chuckles, breathing her in. Noora? Swearing? After he heard her yell? 

“You know, I’ve never told this to anyone before,” she continues very carefully, and it’s what makes Isak loose his grip and scoot down a little so he can look her in the eyes. He sees Noora biting her inside cheek and looking away, becoming nervous for some reason. “I actually don’t know myself yet but- I don’t think I was ever in love with William.”

Isak covers her hand with his and squeezes, encouraging her to continue.

“Or, maybe I was. I just don't want to love him anymore. In these last couple of months so much happened, I feel like my mind has been fogged and I couldn’t see clearly before.”

Isak presses his lips into thin line, somehow guessing what Noora might be thinking right now.

He nods once, “And now you are relearning familiar things in a different way?”

Noora sighs and hides her face in a pillow, she’s not going to cry, not this time, he knows it, she is just as tired as he is, her eyes are closed and Isak takes it as _we won’t go deeper than that_ tonight. 

It’s alright.

Somebody let him in and shared something personal, somebody trusted him enough to be honest with him, somebody sees him as a person who can understand. And that somebody is someone unexpected, still, it’s his friend and this should mean something.

Lying facing Noora, Isak thinks about how he’s going to wait until she’s asleep and then return to his room, and he almost does so, but the dream he starts to see cuts him off.

*** 

“…so what, you hate gays now?” considering the fact that they are in school cafeteria with dozens of other students, Magnus sudden outburst turned out too loud it makes Isak want to hide, fall through the ground and never come back again.

“No,” Anders simply says with his feet on the table – how wasn’t he in trouble for that yet? “I just don’t think it’s right.”

“Why, though?” Mahdi asks, leaning back in his seat. “And what do you mean by _right_?”

“I don’t know man. I’m not religious or anything… I just can’t understand it, that’s all. Mari and I had this a conversation not so long ago, actually-”

“Mari? The first year?” Magnus asks, confused. “I thought you were just playing her.”

“We’re kind of dating now,” he shrugs. “So, we talked and we’re, like, fine with gays. You’re free to love whoever you want and everything. I just think they shouldn’t raise kids, for example, you know. And I just don’t get it – how can you be attracted to guys? They’re gross.”

“We are gross?” Magnus makes a face as if it was a personal offence but everyone seem to ignore him.

“Don’t forget you talk about yourself too,” Jonas finally says, narrowing his eyes at Anders. Isak’s eyes dart to him and he’s so fucking scared of what might come out of his mouth next, it’s like sitting on a mine not knowing if it’s going to explode. Isak doesn’t even blink, he just watches Jonas watching Anders with unreadable expression on his face. “You think you’re gross?”

“That’s my point!” he raises his arms in the air as if it would help him to make a point. “If I was gay I absolutely wouldn’t like myself.”

“But, like, you know that you don’t have to understand it, right? For that matter, you won’t ever understand it because you haven’t experienced it,” Jonas slowly says and Isak sees him getting annoyed. “All you can do is just respect it. Plus, you know Eskild, I’ve seen you get along with him just fine. Do you actually think he’s less of a person just because he’s gay?”

“Whatever, this is getting boring,” chuckling, Anders stands up from the table, throws a quick glance at Isak and nods at him. “Talk to you later.”

“That was the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a while,” Jonas breathes out but Isak isn’t sure if he heard it correctly. Was it really what he just said? “Isak, I can’t believe you’re friends with that douche.”

Isak realizes it was the first time Jonas made a comment on how awful Anders is. 

Nasty, nauseous feeling crawls in Isak’s stomach for not saying anything, for sitting there in silence, listening to everything Anders just said. 

He keeps looking down at the table numb from everything that happened a minute ago, hands not shaking but starting to sweat when somebody coughs in front of them. He lifts his gaze and finds Eva standing there, looking terrible with her famous messy bun and bags under her eyes. If you look close enough, she’s almost shaking and the first thing that appears in Isak’s mind is about how the end of the last school year might be getting on her nerves.

“Isak, can I talk with you for a moment?” she says quietly, casting a glance at Jonas’ direction who lets out nothing but a weak _hi_.

He doesn’t know what this all is about but Eva asks him to follow her to her locker and he does as he was told, then she takes out a plastic bag out of her locker and hands it to him, the name of some make up brand written on both of the sides. 

“What is this?” he makes a face but takes the bag from her.

“This is Noora’s… just couple of things she left at mine. Can you give it to her, please? I just thought, you live together and all. Made sense to ask you.”

“Why won’t you do it yourself? Are you two in a fight?”

He sees tears forming in the corners of her eyes and how desperate she is not to let them fall and he blames himself for asking something that is clearly a sensitive spot for her. It isn’t his business, after all.

“Please just give it to her, I–” her voice is almost inaudible and Isak feels sorry for her, whatever it is. “I can’t, please, just– Do it, okay?”

With that she slams her locker a little bit too hard and almost runs in a hurry, leaving Isak where they were standing.

On the way home, he thinks about how other people feel emotional pain. What is their way of coping with it? Do they feel as much pain as he does? How do they measure it? How black it gets in the worst moments and what colors appear when it’s getting better? Is getting better a myth for them, too?

And sympathy is such a weird thing, you know. Feeling sorry for someone is so human and natural, you can recognize it right away but how is it happening at all? Because you can never truly understand someone if you haven’t experienced the same thing. It’s just a story, something that happened to somebody who isn’t you and, well, you can put yourself in their shoes, but how objective is it? 

Opening the kollektivet’s door, he realizes he should have at least given Eva a hug. But realization is always too late for stuff like that.

*** 

Another month goes by and then suddenly Isak finds himself at the end of April. 

Everyday on his way to school, Isak is trying to convince himself that fresh air and the warm sun are making it easier to breathe. It’s not entirely bullshit. 

Everyone starts to party more often than before even though they have a whole month until russefeiring. It’s whatever, Isak thinks.

The first thing Isak knows the moment he wakes up is that he desperately wants to drink. Water, sparkling water preferably. Sparkling water sounds _sooo_ good right now.

_Oh, no._

The nausea after some wild party isn’t something he thought he’s going to face so soon. Isn’t he still only eighteen?

It’s just so _stuffy_ in the room, and him being tucked in the duvet cocoon totally isn’t helping. Jonas is lying next to him, so, so close he can hear his breathing and heartbeat, see his chest rise and eyelashes flatter. 

Jonas isn’t exactly pretty while drunk asleep. 

Isak catches himself at the thought that it’s kind of nice, but not like _that_. Not like he imagined it could be.

Does he feel something? Yeah, sure. Knowing someone from kindergarten, them sticking up with you until this very moment and, maybe if he’s lucky, for many years in the future. Something like this probably should make you feel things. It’s strong and powerful – their bond – even if they do not share everything with each other. 

Like, Jonas never told Isak he got together with Eva after breaking up with Ingrid two years ago and Isak never questioned it, he was never mad at him for that, not really, he just accepted it as he thought he should have.

Love is such a tricky thing, right? You don’t always want to share. When it’s serious, you let it grow, you cherish it, you want to keep it all to yourself. Other people don’t play a part in this and you do your best not to let them in. 

But Isak loves Jonas, he knows that. He always knew.

Does he want to be with him like that, though? Does he see him as something more than they are? The absurdity of all of this makes Isak want to laugh because of course not, the answer is so quick and clear like neon lights in the dead of the night. Isak shakes his head at himself, closing his eyes for a second. 

It makes him relax a bit. He loves Jonas like the brother he never had and it’s absolutely normal. It’s chill.

*** 

Isak was right. He isn't jealous of girls Anders is hooking up with. And lately with one girl. Singular. It surely tickles in his bones he can’t have it but he isn’t jealous. From the moment he learnt it’s impossible for him he set the reality cards in his head right.

He finishes the project he and Anders should have done together but Anders completely forgot about it and didn’t respond on weekends. Submitting the assignment, Isak doesn’t say he did it on his own. Anders thanks him later for not snitching on him and promises Isak to buy him beer.

Anders does buy him beer and they hang out together all day next Saturday.

Something about spending the night at Anders house makes the goosebumps on Isak’s skin permanent and the feeling of guilt even stronger.

Anders in tank top and shorts walking around the house, joking with Isak, taking to him about how Mari is the first girl that touched something in him. That he absolutely didn’t expect it when he tried to just sleep with her. And now they’re exclusive and stable and great.

The way Anders makes Isak feel is the only thing that keeps Isak sane. Because it constantly reminds him he’s capable of loving someone so selflessly and honestly. 

It’s the same thing that drives him crazy as well.

The whole thing feels like Isak is fooling him. Like he isn’t telling him the whole truth.

He can’t imagine himself confessing and everytime he thinks about it he wants to scream on top of his lungs about how much it pains him, cages him, makes him feel he’s actually alive.

Their hands brush on the way to living room and Isak’s skin is on fire meanwhile Anders is fighting a yawn. It’s crazy how your whole world brightens up from this one little thing and the other person won’t ever know about it.

And then Anders starts talking about the girl that transferred in the middle of the year and that she has really short hair now and that Anders doesn’t find her attractive anymore because she looks a lot like a boy. 

The light in the world fades away.

Next week Isak congratulates Anders on his birthday and goes to his party. Sips his beer as from the corner of his eyes he sees Anders making out with Mari – he doesn’t want to, but his glance always lands on them – on the same couch they shared less than a week ago when they watched a movie together. 

Isak fianlly realizes that nobody cares. Nobody cares what he’s doing and where he is. Well, maybe his mom cares but even then he can’t guarantee it isn’t selfish. And if no one cares, why should he?

So he drinks, and drinks, and drinks and when the room starts to spin he asks himself, _what the hell is he doing?_

This sadness is too loud.

It's evil inside him, and it found its way to grow within him. He hates himself so much he wants to open his chest and scratch the insides. Maybe then it will go away.

He locks himself in the bathroom, tries to wash his face with ice cold water but it only makes his fingertips itch. Falling on the floor as the water keeps running is the next thing that he does.

A second later someone is banging on the bathroom door, then it’s clear _Isak, open the door, I know you are in there_ but he registers it only a moment later when he sees familiar face in front of him, red hair and green eyes. Eva. She’s kneeling in front of him, cursing quietly. 

“Here, drink. All of it,” she shoves at him half empty water bottle. 

Girls and their purses. They are so nice. Too bad he doesn’t feel anything for them. 

She keeps saying something to him but everything is a blur he can’t make out any words. Well, almost. “Stay here,” as if he’s going anywhere, “I’ll bring you something to eat.”

She returns quickly, at least Isak thinks it is quick, and hands him an apple. Without questioning, he bites it.

“What are you doing here?”

She furrows at him. “It’s Anders’ party.”

“I know.”

“Him and I have English together,” she chuckles, shaking her head.

“Mkay,” Isak mumbles, putting all the focus on the apple he’s holding.

“Alright, let’s take you home. I can’t leave you like this.” Eva says more to herself than to him, fishing her phone out of the pocket of her jeans.

Twenty minutes later as Isak manages to drop himself on the backseat of the taxi with Eva by his side, his loosen tongue asks: 

“Why you and Noora aren’t friends anymore?”

Eva sighs, leaning back in her seat. “We are still friends. It’s just complicated.”

“That’s what Noora would say, too.” Isak shrugs and turns to the window not noticing Eva let out a sharp breath.

*** 

In the kitchen he finds Eskild putting olive oil in his greek salad and after double checking he realizes it’s already way past noon and this is why it isn’t breakfast Eskild is cooking.

“Here he is, the sleeping prince. How are you?” Eskild smiles at him over his shoulder. He finishes his salad and turns to the coffeemaker.

Coughing before speaking up, Isak rubs his eyes. He yawns, “I don’t even remember how I came home.”

“Eva brought you here. She actually spent the night in the living room but she left like, three hours ago.”

“Did she stay with Noora?” Isak furrows, staring into space.

“Mhm. Why?”

“Nothing,” he shakes his head opening the fridge. He only has an almost empty bottle of fanta and that’s it. Great. “I guess the last time I spoke with Eva I heard they were in a fight.”

As Isak heads to leave the kitchen, Eskild asks. “Do maybe you want to say something?”

“Say what?”

Eskild turns to fully face Isak, tilts his head and puts his cup of coffee on the table. When he folds his arms it makes Isak freeze. 

“Isak, I've been patient with you but it can’t continue like this. It started with you being even more sad than usual and now you’re getting wasted every week.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t remember.”

Of course he remembers. It was also the alcohol that night. He didn’t say anything that could give him away (although Eskild probably can put two and two together) but Isak still would like to delete it from his memory – that what Isak tried to do for the past month but failed miserably.

*** 

_He doesn’t know the reason, the voices in his head are hurried and violent and Isak is so mad and so hurt at the same time._

_“I know it’s normal for you to not to smile too much but the last couple of weeks it’s like it isn’t even you. What’s going on, baby Jesus?_

__

_“I’m so angry, Eskild.”_

__

_“What? Why?”_

__

_He doesn’t realize it as he starts spitting the words out._

__

_“I love someone. I love someone and they would never talk to me again if they knew. I love them and I hate it.”_

__

_Eskild’s face falls as he moves to put his arms around Isak. Shocked, he doesn’t say anything as Isak starts sobbing._

__

_“I’m afraid I’ll be happy with anything they are willing to give me.” He says it and it’s almost inaudible, he hopes Eskild won’t hear it. But he does._

__

_“Oh Isak,” is all Eskild whispers, holding him tighter._

*** 

“Three weeks ago, russ party? Rings a bell?”

“I was drunk.” shutting his eyes, Isak turns away and tries to run from this conversation again.

“I’m just worried about you.” Eskild softly says and it’s what makes Isak to stop and turn around.

“I know.” He runs his hand through his hair, looking in the direction of their living room. “I’m sorry.”

“Noora isn’t here either.” Eskild tells him as if he’s able to read other people’s thoughts. “Sit, I’ll make you coffee.”

Then it hits Isak. Eva cared. She cared enough to bring him home yesterday when she didn’t have to. And now Eskild, he cares, too. 

The little things that are so easy to miss. Who said that care is always something grand and straight-forward? Sometimes it’s the cup of coffee in front made for you and it doesn't matter if you're hangover or not, sometimes it’s banging on the bathroom door knowing your drunk friend is there.

“I know you said you are here whenever I’m ready to talk but I just don’t think I will ever be ready.” Isak looks away, his fingers dance around of the rim of his cup.

“I know,” Eskild breathes out sitting down in front of Isak. “I don’t want to say things like you have to face it one day because I know you know it. I just can’t watch you torturing yourself like this anymore. It hurts me. I wish I could help.”

“I don’t think you can. Actually, I feel like I’m so dysfunctional I’m not sure anyone can help me.” 

“Please don’t say stuff like that.” There are tears forming in Eskild’s eyes and Isak hates himself even more for making someone to feel like shit.

See, he’s always the root of the problem.

They are talking in whisper as if something terrible happened. Again, Isak has no words and apologizing won’t make things even a little easier anyway.

“What about professional help?” Eskild whispers.

Shaking his head Isak chuckles, “I don’t have money for that.”

They sit in silence for the next fifteen minutes or so, Eskild attentively watching him drinking his coffee and probably feeling his brain go hot from the all thoughts he’s thinking.

“I can’t tell you what to do but please, baby Jesus, take care of yourself.” He finally speaks up making Isak to look him straight in the eyes. “I believe deep down you know what is right. You’re too hard on yourself. I want you to know that you are loved. By your mom, by me, Noora, Linn, by Jonas, Magnus, Mahdi, by Eva, Sana, Vilde, Cris. You have your friends, your little family.”

The family he doesn’t deserve.

Eskild stands up to wash his dirty dishes and in those few minutes Isak doesn’t find the courage to open up. Only when Eskild is leaving, he hears himself say it before he realizes it:

“Thank you, Eskild.”

It’s quiet, but it’s something. 

*** 

Isak starts running every morning. Partly because he always wanted to try it out but mostly because he wanted to feel something else.

Running in the morning meant no sleeping in, more laundry because of all that sweaty clothes and a slight change in his mood in general.

_Everything around us is so sad. I’m sad._

__

_This life is too sad, people are too sad, the whole Monday-Friday loop is too sad._

__

_Who are we? Why can’t we fly?_

Following with his eyes ducks swimming in the lake Isak thinks about how little he lived and how much there is to go but the weight on his shoulders is slowing him down, making it harder to want to make it out in final cut.

Ducks are so small and they don't know any better and there are always will be idiots who are going to feed them bread. Ducks will eat the given bread and then die, probably. People like to think they’re clever and birds are not, they more responsible than that, they won’t ever fall so low and get caught in something like this.

And even if attraction is simple chemistry, why having feelings reminds Isak of the same bread trap?

Sometimes you dig the grave for yourself, sabotaging your own happiness without any reason at all, and when you ask yourself _why the hell did I do that_ there is no answer, really. At least there are none that would satisfy you. 

For Isak, solution comes as easy as he wouldn't dare to even imagine. The less he texts Anders, the less he approaches him at school, the less they interact, the less he faces attempts from Anders to fix it.

It’s not cutting ties, it’s worse than exhaustion. He still sees him in school and he still talks to him occasionally, and every time he does he needs to start counting from the beginning because the progress he makes of trying to free himself disappears the moment he looks into Anders’ eyes.

Breathing in the fresh air between the trees, with no other people making noise around him, with sun shining so bright right in his face, Isak finds peace for the first time in a while. It’s only for a second and it’s gone too soon, but it was there, enveloping him from head to toe. And if he found it once, he’ll for sure find it again.

*** 

It’s just a week before their final exams. 

The morning routine in the kollektivet is ridiculously weird because it is after 9 a.m. already and Isak has been sitting at the kitchen table alone for fifteen minutes. 

Usually, Eskild wakes up first. As a working man he is, he never tempts his fate and makes it to work on time. Not long after, Noora appears. Isak doesn’t know how she does it, but he mostly sees her dressed up already with her famous red lipstick on while he had it in himself only to wash his face. Linn is the one hard to catch in the morning. But in general, yeah, he got used to hearing shushed laugher and groans before walking into the kitchen. Today the air in the apartment is so still. Almost as if everyone is either out or sound asleep.

Isak wonders what this all is about.

And then the front door buzzes.

When Isak opens the door he’s surprised to see Eva in front of him. The whole setting adds up to the already weird vibe. She looks clearly nervous, biting her bottom lip, holding a pot with white roses with her both hands. Her hair is long again, exactly like when she was sixteen and it’s such a bright picture in Isak's head. As if he’s thrown back to being sixteen, too, then something inside him clutches. He misses her like crazy.

He looks, and looks, and looks at her and realizes her features seem sharper, a bit bolder. She has changed, not that much, but still, and there’s quiet voice in his head telling him how fast time flies and he actually missed his chance to be her friend.

“Isak, hi,” she breathes out just above a whisper. “Is Noora home?”

It makes Isak come up to his senses. He shakes his head, “I think so but it seems like she isn't up yet. Do you want to come in?”

Eva lowers her eyes to the ground as she enters the hallway.

Someone softly touches his shoulder, he isn’t really surprised when he looks up sees that it’s Noora. One moment passes and then, he gets the whole puzzle together. 

*** 

Isak starts hanging out with the boys more often again whether it’s pre-game at kollektivet or just going out in town.

He can’t help but feel weird all the time because he knows he wasn’t honest with them all these years, they don’t really know him because he talks about his life and his feelings so seldom. The worst thing is that Isak doesn’t want them to actually know him. It’s better to have that semi-perfect picture you draw for others, make them believe it even if it’s incredibly far from the truth. It’s safer, it’s more convenient.

Isak knows the boys love him and they probably wouldn’t mind if he told them everything but again, he just can’t bring himself to. He’s scared, yes, but he’s so tired he just doesn’t want to deal with consequences.

They don’t mention Anders at all anymore and Isak doesn’t understand if they all agreed on that because they hate that guy so much or because they can actually read Isak’s thoughts.

For whatever reason, Isak is content with the way things are, so he doesn’t mention Anders either. He thinks of him less and being with his friends manages to put a genuine smile on his face.

At some point Isak is saddened by the fact he’s willing to give up this connection they all have. But again, is it really a connection if they don’t know him at all?

It’s when Magnus returns from the grocery store with snacks for all of them and throws cheddar potato chips at Isak, saying. “There, your favorite flavor.”

*** 

Sometimes life finds the strangest ways to make you feel certain. It’s how Isak finds himself at IKEA’s dishes department with Noora by his side checking out new wine glasses for kollektivet. Why driving so far only to get silly glasses? It’s not like you can’t buy these downtown. 

Turns out, Eskild asked a new chair for his birthday, Isak learns it only when Noora tells him they should walk through large corridors to find by numbers the right one. Of course, Isak has to carry it all the way to the register. (Thanks to lovely stuff who let them borrow one of theirs huge carts).

It’s loud around them, children crying every now and then, their parents trying to calm them down and miserably failing.

“I think we are done. One last thing, I want to buy plants,” Noora says turning around and confidently walking in the direction of plants aisle.

Isak tries to catch up with her, he coughs and smirks, not trying to mask the innuendo, “Eva hasn’t been around lately? Are we running out of plants already?”

Noora’s reaction is fast, she just laughs and he just knows she isn’t offended, she lightly slaps him on the arm and slows down her steps, tilting her head. She finally stops, fully turning to face him. 

“She’s a busy person,” she says, smiling wide. It’s cute, if you ask him, how Noora lifts her shoulders and hides her hands in the pockets of her jeans just to control her giddiness. “Did Eskild tell you?” she asks then, looking away for a moment.

Isak shakes his head, chuckling awkwardly. “Nobody needs to tell me. And Eskild would never. It’s just, I have eyes, you know. And ears,” he raises eyebrows at her, making her laugh once more. “You look happy,” he tells her and he means it. He may not be aware of where he stands himself in his life yet but he’s had a great practice of observing things around him. “Looks good on you.”

Her smile falters only to transform into more intimate one, the one you share with people when honest emotions are involved. The thing with him and Noora, is that they are not best friends but they have shared something intense and personal and it’s going to stay with them forever. They are not best friends and it’s unlikely they ever will be but who says you cannot care about someone and feel happy for them?

You don’t have to have a serious talk with someone to make them feel cared or loved or important – it might be not the time or place. Still, Isak wanted it be acknowledged and Noora’s smile was definitely worth it.

*** 

Exams are over, finally. 

Now it’s should be time for fun, rest, and catching up with friends. Like a sore loser he is, Isak has spent last two weeks trying to drink up all information he might need for his tests while almost everyone else was having fun at parties at least once a week. Anders texted him – twice, asking if he’s going to be at any of the said parties and the decision of not going was the most painful part of it all. Isak’s glad he’s coming back to his senses, though.

On Saturday, he finds himself on the floor of Jonas’ bedroom playing GTA. 

It’s nice, Isak thinks. Jonas’ bedroom always seemed more family-like than his own.

When his thoughts are still evil, when his mind is such a dark place it makes him feel so tensed every single minute of his day, sitting here with Jonas by his side grounds him. Even in the mess of opened bags of chips, soda and pizza on the floor .

It feels so familiar and Isak senses how he’s going to miss it, he already does. Knowing you have to let go something so dear to your heart punches right where it hurts the most.

“Have you heard about Eva and Noora?” suddenly Jonas asks him. 

To tell the truth, Isak could never prepare himself for a question like that. He kind of feels guilty and sorry for Jonas.

“Uh, yeah. Noora lives with me. So yeah, I know.” Isak says quietly, lowering his gaze. 

Biting his lip, Jonas shakes his head. “Right.”

“Do you want to talk about it or..?” he doesn’t end this sentence. He may have an idea why Jonas is so quiet today, he is never like that, but he wasn’t going to confront him. Not so soon, at least.

Silence.

“I just, I guess I’ve always thought that Eva and I-,“ Jonas finally starts but stumbles on his words. “I thought that two of us will find the way back to each other in the end, you know? When we broke up in our first year, I knew deep down it was necessary. I mean, we were kids, we had to grow up a little. Both of us. And only recently it hit me, like, _really_ hit me that she’s moved on, she let it go ages ago, and now she’s happy with someone else while I’m stuck with the outcome I imagined myself,” he leans back that his back hits the sofa’s armrest. Sighing, he covers his face with his hands. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy she’s happy. But I don’t know. It still burns.”

“I think I can understand,” Isak says, desperately trying to actually understand. It’s crazy how he can even when his own burns are still new and incredibly fragile, his head leaves no place for anything else. “I guess you just have to give it time. Don’t blame yourself for wishing something that seems impossible. You’re going to be alright.” 

As Jonas shrugs, Isak sighs, not looking away from Jonas. “Hey,” he calls in a whisper not quite understanding what’s going to follow. Jonas only nods at him.

Isak makes a deep breath and breathes out. It’s quiet but firm, “I’m leaving Oslo after graduation.”

“What?” Jonas puts aside the controller, fully facing Isak now. “Why?”

Biting his lips, Isak feel this incredible urge to tell him everything. How tired, how unhappy, how exhausted he is. How the only way to find peace is to run from everything he feels connected to, one way or another. It’s all mostly because he has no strength in him to actually face it.

New pages don’t exist and relationships Isak has here with everyone, they are stretched thin threads. These threads are old, yet aren’t easy to tear up. Isak wasn’t thinking about destroying them all at once, it seems easier to just let it be. Life manages to do these things better. If he leaves and stops talking to everyone, this all is going to be forgotten, eventually. He is going to be forgotten, and he’s going to forget as well. 

And memories, you can put them in the farthest drawer. The most important thing is just to stop thinking about it. 

“So you’ve been planning this? For how long?” He asks, tilting his head and it’s disappointment Isak hears in the tone of his voice, not anger. Maybe at some level Jonas knows what this all is about. “You’ve never mentioned it.” 

Well. He’s a shitty friend.

“I didn’t know if I was actually going to do it,” he half-whispers, and god, this is the worst excuse ever. But at least the important truth is out now.

"What about your mom?" Jonas asks, frowning.

"What about her?"

"You know."

"She understands."

"Does she, really?"

"Are you trying to make me feel guilty for leaving?"

"No, I-" Jonas stops, struggling with the words. He nods and sighs, finding his console again. “I mean, it’s great. I think. If that’s what you want.”

“Yeah, I want that,” his answer is blank, Jonas’ eyes are glued to the TV screen now and fingers are pressed into the buttons on the controller (a bit too hard, if you ask Isak). “Besides, my mom is better these days, I told you. And it’s a great major program, you know.”

“Yeah. Okay. We still will be friends, right? Distant friendship isn’t distant relationship.” Jonas tries to smile but fails.

“Totally.”

“We’ll make it work,” Jonas turns at him and winks. It makes Isak laugh and at the same time it makes unpleasantly squeeze something inside.

“Hey, Jonas, remember when–” he stops himself there.

Isak thinks more about it. 

He knows his truth, he _does_ , he’s gotten used to it. With his own self, he is free and liberated, he’s honest, it’s something that was missing from his life for too long.

And he dreamt about being able to talk about something like this with his best friend, to be finally open, unlock this door by himself with the key he has now in his hand, to trust someone he truly loves. 

But it’s not even the fear or the thought of being vulnerable that stops him this time too. It’s jealousy.

He thinks about it again. Just stops for a moment, breathe in and breathe out, let the mess in his head stop spinning and freeze in the shapes of objects in the spaceship with no gravity. 

People around you may have an idea of who you are as a person. They might like or dislike you, they might not to think about you at all. They judge you by your looks and how you dress and what you say and the way you talk – based on all that they make up their opinions on your intelligence, attractiveness, sense of humor… You know, the usual stuff _you_ do with people around you. And then there’s this thing. A secret, you call it. Something that is yours, and only yours. Nobody knows it, you have the whole power over it, finally something you can control, even if it’s for some time.

How fascinating it is, this sacred thing of yours is one moment away from being shared with somebody else? Then there is no control, no power, no nothing. Mess and chaos just like everything else in your life. Again, and again, and again.

It’s probably some sort of a game to trick yourself, because Isak hasn’t stopped being scared, it’s still horrifying to leave the doors wide open, but it’s also this. Trying not to lose control over this one precious thing.

Isak stopping in the middle of the sentence didn’t seem to bother Jonas at all. Isak studies his profile while Jonas is so lost in his own thoughts he probably didn’t even realized Isak was trying to say something.

With a small smile on his lips and one last long glance at Jonas, Isak tightens his grip on the controller.

*** 

The night before he leaves, Eskild knocks on his door. He looks around the room that is half-empty, only two suitcases are placed in the middle.

“I’m going to miss you, Isak.” Eskild says with a sad smile and it kind of makes Isak want to stay. But there is no going backwards.

“Me too,” Isak nods at him, making Eskild raise his eyebrows at him. He sure looks surprised by Isak’s sudden openness.

“You can call me whenever you want, you know that, right?”

“Yes, Eskild. I do. Thank you”

“Promise you will call me at least once a month.”

“I will.”

He won’t and Eskild knows it.

There’s too many thoughts in his head, again, Isak doesn’t know where to start. Eskild makes a few steps closer towards Isak’s – well, already not Isak’s – bed.

Then there’s Eskild’s voice again. “The reason why you’re moving away, it’s because you’re hurt?” 

Surprised by such observation Isak is at loss for words, he fails in trying to make it look like it isn’t a thing. 

“I guess I want a fresh start.”

“It isn’t actually a thing, you know.”

“Yeah. Maybe I am running away from my problems but there is one thing I know for sure. I can’t take it anymore. It makes me too sad and I’m tired of feeling broken.”

“You’re not broken. And you’re going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright. Yeah?”

It’s sounds like this time it’s Eskild who needs reassurance. So Isak nods, smiles and he means it, “Yeah.”

Isak doesn’t object when Eskild pulls him into one big hug. At the same time it leaves fresh cuts on Isak’s heart and mends others.

It’s warm in Eskild’s arms but the longer Isak is holding on to him, the harder it’s to let go and let it be.

Isak knows Eskild wants to say thousands of things right now, but he knows it’s useless. Eskild knows him probably better than anyone and he learned the ways Isak just is. Pep-talks and guru advising and all those things won’t work, they won’t mean a thing. So because Eskild knows better, he just holds Isak tighter for the last time and lets go.

It feels final, as if Isak has just lost something important and he’s not getting it back.

Maybe just like Jonas Eskild is disappointed in him, and if that’s the case then Isak has no idea how to explain them it’s his only option. They won’t understand, even if they love him.

When Eskild leaves the room, Isak looks around for the tenth time in the last hour.

There’s a now forever stain on the carpet from when Magnus spilled red wine almost a year ago. Isak chuckles, remembering that hilarious party night when Jonas got seriously drunk for the first time. On the windowsill, Noora already placed her stuffed animals and photos in frames. Isak is not seen in any of them.

A loss.

You win, you lose. Mostly lose, of course. But he hasn’t talked to Anders in a month, unfriended him on Facebook, deleted his number and it feels like he can breathe again.

So, a win. Maybe.

It’s weird to finally realize Anders took everything from him. His confidence, his opinion, his pride.

It’s not that Anders was such a bad person, he was not. Isak just wasn’t lucky with falling for him.

If Isak doesn’t think about him too much, he’s fine. But it takes a little thing to remember and then the anger grows to a point it isn’t pretty. Isak hates that his thoughts are still clouded with him. He hates that that boy still has so much power over him.

At first, Isak was grateful he met him because he made him feel these nice things, as if he was finally living in present. He _can_ feel things and it _is_ genuine.

He loved him and just for a moment it _was_ beautiful.

Isak looked at him and saw a face of someone he would like to spend his life with. He looked at him, at his eyelashes, his eyes, his smile, it all made his heart stutter. He wanted to be next to him all the time, he wanted to know everything about him, he wanted to be his friend. His best friend.

Anders was always so sure of himself. He always spoke his mind and it was the thing that Isak admired but it’s also the thing that hurt him the most. And the saddest part in all that is in the way Isak still loves him.

Isak stops the train of thoughts, shaking his head but it doesn’t go away. 

He knows what Eskild would say if he told him. It would be something like _I’m so sorry the first boy you loved made you go through so much. You deserve everything you want._

Even if somebody told him now it’ll pass, it wouldn’t do any good. Rationally, Isak gets it it’ll pass. But now the raw fills his ribcage and there’s no escape. The one he is tring to pull off is just an illusion, but it still worth a try. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof, it took me longer than i thought it would. also, it turned out longer than i thought.
> 
> Trigger Warnings are in the notes at the end.  
> please, take care!

Moving to another city itself didn’t actually hit Isak that hard. He’s been living on his own since he was sixteen, after all.

On the contrary, finding himself in a place where no one knew him seemed like the change he needed for too long. One, it was refreshing and two, it was the step he _had_ to make.

He’s been dreaming about it, wanting it, trying to make it work, and when he succeeded, the hole inside him kept forming and growing, still leaving him blank and helpless and lost and for the first couple of weeks he couldn’t understand why. He got what he wanted, he was holding his dream in his hands and it all was thanks to his hard work and if it wasn’t for him silencing down everything else that could stop him he’d be still in Oslo. And he doesn’t want to think about that possible outcome. 

He doesn’t want to think about it because he’s scared of the amount of regret he’s going to feel as well as he's scared of realization of how he didn’t actually had to move to finally feel better because he had everything he needed right in front of him. 

But he is where he is now. He wanted it and he got it. He should be happy.

It was an equivalent exchange, just like in Alchemy, right? Doesn’t feel that much of an equivalent, to be honest.

Isak never actually realized what it means to be alone. He thought he was alone in high school, but even if he felt lonely, he wasn’t alone, not really. He had the guys in the flat share, he had Eskild, Linn, and Noora whose presence could make him feel a bit calmer and lighter. 

He had his mom five blocks away from the kollektivet.

He had the boys. Stupid and ignorant most of the time but they were his friends and they cared about him.

Trondheim, though, brought other colors to everything and Isak wonders how things happen lately. Or, rather, how they don’t.

When you’re out of high school, when you’re moving away, things change. From that moment, it’s just you, really. It’s you, _only_ you, alone with your head and your head only. It’s not like you don’t party or don’t talk to people because you do but everything just ends so quickly and suddenly you’re left on your own again. 

Mostly, he’s just alone and he doesn’t want to do anything. Not that he expected that after moving to another city he’s going to have that fun and awesome life with new friends, be spontaneous and carefree. No.

He wasn’t expecting anything like that, except for the possibility he’s going to finally know peace. It never really happened. Little things don’t bring joy – they never did, and actually realizing (every time it’s like the first time) he left all he has ever known for good makes him feel that huge black hole inside him.

Plus, with too many people around you it isn’t simple to get attached to someone (but it wasn’t Isak’s goal from the beginning anyway). With too little people, it’s hard to even just talk to them because everyone is so different. 

So, it goes like this: he wakes up alone, eats his breakfast alone, goes to classes alone, does his homework alone, comes home and he's alone. Still, a couple of meaningless conversations get him through the day but lying in bed at night he wonders, would it matter if they were gone, too?

With exhaustion, you cannot do anything. When you’re exhausted, everything around you just... is. And you don’t even want to be bothered. And then there is guilt for being like this, for not living your life to the fullest. 

He got what he wanted, so why does he feel so helpless, so hopeless, so worn out, so bleak. Is this all he is – sad, never happy?

There’s one good thing though he can think of right now. His only roommate, Alex, is almost never home, so Isak usually is on his own in three-room apartment. Sometimes Alex has his girlfriend over but in these six months it never got weird. Like, no ambiguous noise or lingerie on the bathroom floor or used condoms in the trash bin in the kitchen. Moreover, the apartment itself is really great, so whenever Isak has a chance to actually enjoy the spare space and privacy he takes it. It feels so different after having so many people in such small space in flat share.

It’s the middle of February and it feels like it has already been years. Isak still talks to Jonas occasionally and updates his mom weekly. He is going to be fine.

Sliding into his seat in the third row next to Elyse, the girl he met in their very first week of classes, Isak loudly sighs but manages to put himself together right away. She’s chill but it’s not like they’re close friends. Not yet, at least. Most importantly, she doesn’t need to hear him complaining about his life. As it turns out, he didn’t have to worry, because she’s passionately pressing the keyboard on her laptop mumbling _hi_ without even looking up at him.

“Forgot to do your homework?” Isak smirks.

“Yeah,” she breathes out, fixing a loose hair that fell out of her messy bun.

“You can copy mine, if you want,” Isak suggests, shrugging. She did something like this for him a few weeks ago, he feels like it could be a solid exchange.

It makes her stop and she, squeezing her hands together, gives him a challenging look. “As much as I appreciate the act of your generosity I don’t think you’re an expert on French literature.”

Isak huffs a laugh shaking his head, “Yeah, I always forget you accidentally confused Literature program with Cognitive Studies.”

“This class is from The General Studies list, we all need to pick at least one to graduate and you know that.”

“Yeah. That's why I'm taking Neurolinguistics, you know.”

She rolls her eyes. “What’s wrong with literature, anyway?”

“You’re majoring in Cognitive Studies.”

“So what? I can’t have interests related to art in some way or another?” Elyse looks at him skeptically, and well, Isak thinks, she has a point.

“That’s– not what I said.”

“It’s just for this semester. Then I won’t have to worry about that stupid rule and focus on science and researches. And I love literature. Also, the teacher is great, it’s never boring in classes.” She shrugs and Isak has nothing to add anymore. He’s just being a dick, like always.

“Judging by the fact you’re doing your homework right now, there are way more important and fun things than French literature, I see.” Isak smirks and eyes very noticeable hickey on her neck, making it clear the turtleneck she’s wearing today failed its mission.

“At least I’m getting any,” she mumbles rolling her eyes and gets back to finishing her homework. Isak should have learned already she isn’t the one to shy away from topics like that. He just came up with a witty retort but the moment is lost so he lets it go. Also, it’s not like she’s wrong. His love life just doesn’t exist.

The teacher comes in as Isak is in the process of opening his notes from the previous lecture on his laptop. Then he hears the phone making a short sound, he checks his phone first but turns out it isn’t him who got a new message. Isak looks on his left only to find Elyse smiling into her phone, WhatsApp chat open on the screen. Isak is sitting close enough to see it’s a Spotify link to some song with the _Thinking about you_ title. 

“Don’t say anything,” Elyse whispers and points her index finger at Isak after she notices he’s seen the message.

“No,” he laughs softly. He tries to reassure her. “This is actually very cute.”

“Well, Mel is a romantic one,” Elyse says, finally putting down her phone with screen facing the table and continues to type something on the laptop for her forgotten assignment. “How was your week?” rising her eyebrows she doesn’t even share a glance on him. 

“You know,” he waves his hand. “Same old stress.” Then he leans closer to her and whispers, “Yesterday Mr. Oranger almost caught me smoking the joint you gave me.”

He’s almost cracking up watching her suddenly stop, then her eyes widen as she stares at him—

“The fuck?” Elyse hisses. “Were you smoking in the school garden again? I told you not to do that!”

Isak gives her disapproving look, “You smoke in the garden. Everyone does.”

“Yeah, but not _weed_!” she mouths the last word only with her lips.

“Chill, it’s all good. I actually believe he would ask me to share that joint more than anything else.”

She frowns at him but he knows he won. Her staying pissed never lasts for too long.

They get stern look from their professor and decide to keep their mouths shut for the rest of the class. Because that’s the reason Isak is here, right? He’s getting education and he should be grateful for what he has.

Classes aren’t boring. So, that’s a win. But when it becomes a routine it’s getting harder and harder to follow topics for discussion. If Isak is distracted, it isn’t because he is not interested, it’s because he can’t catch every single thing professor is saying. Isak is only human, after all.

As they start to pack their stuff to leave the auditorium after the class is over, Elyse asks:

“Me and my friends are going out tonight. Do you maybe want to come with us? It’s Friday and you could use loosen up a bit.”

With his backpack hanging from his left shoulder, Isak patiently waits for her so they could go to the cafeteria together. “Ugh, I’m not sure. Won’t your friends mind?”

“No, I swear. And I’ll be happy if you decide to go. Also, it’s about time you meet Mel,” she winks and smiles, and it’s genuine, Isak knows it. “I’ll send you location just in case.” And after that, she doesn’t push anymore and he’s so grateful for that.

And here’s the thing.

Since the first semester started, Isak didn’t really hit it off with anyone, not really, with exception of several people, including Elyse. But he doesn’t have a _squad_ he’s constantly hanging out with (it’s one of a few major things he misses about Oslo) but more than anything, going to any sort of parties makes him feel even sadder than he ever thought he was able to feel. 

For now, he decided not to deal with it, hoping it resolves itself on its own somehow. Elyse’s invitation, though, doesn’t leave his mind for the rest of the day.

***

As Isak walks into the bar later that evening loud laugh catches his attention immediately. It doesn’t take too long to notice Elyse at the largest table.

It’s a pretty small bar, with only two small rooms. Elyse and her friends occupy the center of the main room, and even though it’s only five of them, they are making as much noise as a crowd of fifty people would make.

The thought of turning back and walking away before it’s too late flashes up as neon sign in his head but it’s the moment Elyse notices him with a traitorous, “Isak! You made it!”

She’s been drinking, it’s obvious, but somehow she isn’t one of those disgusting drunks as most of the people are (such as Isak). She’s more of… a tactile version of herself. The next thing she does is standing up from where she was sitting, quickly closing the distance between them and hugging him tightly.

Isak wonders what this all is about.

“Heey,” he manages to let out. “We’ve seen each other today already.” Isak says as she pulls away and frowns looking at him as if he’s spoiling her fun. With her long hair down tucked behind her ears she looks almost like a mermaid, he almost says so to her but she asks:

“So what?” 

Someone laughs again and in a second Elyse is snapped out of her defense. With quick change of the mood, she grabs him by his arm and tugs him to the table. 

“I’m really glad you came,” she squeaks then with one quick turn of her head. It makes him soften just a little. Maybe the introduction to her friends won’t be that uncomfortable.

Elyse has her hand on his shoulder and it grounds him a little.

“Okay, guys, this is Isak, the coolest young lad in my Experimental Psychology class. Not the smartest one, though.” She puts her hand to her mouth and fake-whispers. “Usually he asks to copy my homework because he doesn’t understand it.”

Isak is fast to argue, “It was just once!”

It earns him a quiet chuckle but Isak doesn’t register who it belongs to.

“Yeah, yeah, just once. Isak, this is _ma chérie_ Melissa,” Isak looks at the only girl at the table with shoulder-length hair and bright eyeliner. “The guy with the weirdest hairstyle is Even, Mel’s stepbrother and our birthday boy, next to him are Mikael and Mutta,” when she finishes, she lets her grip off him and places herself on the bar stool next to her girlfriend. Isak sits on the only vacant chair between Elyse and Mutta.

__

What? It’s someone’s birthday? Why didn’t Elyse say anything?

__

“Two our other friends also were supposed to be here as well but in the last minute Adam had things take care of and Yousef decided to spent this weekend in Oslo with his girlfriend.” The boy with brown mop of hair (Mikael, that’s his name, right?) says and smiles reassuringly at Isak.

__

“So we had to celebrate without them.” Elyse argues, her cheeks pink and then, “Aren’t you from Oslo, Isak?”

__

“Yeah, and you have had enough celebrating for tonight,” Melissa says to Elyse before Isak can master anything to answer.

__

“We are not celebrating.” Even rolls his eyes but he’s more amused than annoyed.

__

Melissa stands from her bar stool then and heads to the bar counter. And there he is, sitting in silence in front of people he sees for the very first time with no idea what to say. It’s like he’s blank again with no ability to talk at all.

__

“Dude, relax, don’t think too much.” Another dark-haired boy says, the one that sits closer to Isak and stretches his arm out for a handshake. Isak goes with the flow, “I’m Mutasim. Nice to meet you, Isak.”

__

“Me too.” A quick glance at two other guys, but they sit too far away to give them handshakes, that would be too awkward. So he just nods. “How do you know Elyse?”

__

“That’s simple,” Mutta is the one to answer. “Even is our old friend, and Mel is his sister and Elyse-”

__

“Right, that makes sense.” Isak mentally slaps himself a) for not connecting the dots, b) for asking such a dumb question. 

__

“And since Even and Mel were like, twelve, they always go together in a package.”

__

He looks at Even once more, who’s posture is so open and relaxed, there’s smile on his lips and whether it’s because he’s a little tipsy or because he’s actually having a good time, it makes Isak take it all easy.

__

Melissa comes back and places a glass of water in front of Elyse. This simple gesture makes something weird to his heart. 

__

“Is she staying at ours again?” Even nods at Melissa.

__

Isak throws a quick gaze at the girl who’s carefully playing with Elyse’s hair. She shrugs, “I don’t think she would want her mom to see her like this.”

__

“Do you want _our_ parents to see her like this?”

__

Melissa frowns. “Dad won’t mind and the worst thing your mom can do is shake her head in disapproval.”

__

“What, Even, are you afraid they are going to bother you with having sex too loud?” Mikael chuckles, playfully punching Even in the arm.

__

“Actually,” Even leans back in his seat, and thinks for a second. “I’ve never caught them having sex.” 

__

“That’s because we are smart,” Mel deadpans raising one eyebrow and looking straight in Even’s eyes, which makes Even laugh. It’s a pretty laugh, Isak thinks.

__

“Wait, wait,” Mikael shakes his head, his eyes darting between Even and Mel. “Does this mean _she_ walked on _you_ having sex?” 

__

“Um, yeah. She kind of did.”

__

Isak doesn’t know what he expected, but Even doesn’t seem even a bit shy about this. He only shakes his head as Mel turns to look at everyone before saying, “I didn’t know he brought Sonja with him one night and he forgot to lock the door. They weren’t naked or anything.” she stopped to make a disgusted face. “Not Even, at least, but he was clearly going down on her. I closed the door as quickly as I could.”

__

“Knocking is a thing, you know?” Even says clearly amused, huge grin not leaving his lips.

__

“Locking the door when you have someone over is a thing, too.”

__

It’s loud laughs after that and Isak feels like he’s intruding, like he doesn’t belong there.

__

When laughs die down, Even speaks up again. “But the funniest thing in all this-” Even makes a short pause and for the first time looks at him, like, really looks at him, and Isak’s breath hitches, and then- then Even’s attention is on his friends again. “Do you know what she yelled after closing the door? _Don’t let your lesbian sister down!_ I swear, this was the most _you_ thing you could ever do. And Sonja couldn’t stop laughing for the next ten minutes after that. You almost spoiled me sex that time, actually.” Even raises an index finger at her in a dramatic way and she just flips him off.

__

“She still broke up with you so I guess you did let me down.”

__

Just like that, Even’s face falls in a second. It isn’t anger or irritation, it’s sadness, and out of thousand possible things, Isak will recognize it. Isak watches Even as he quietly says:

__

“Really?”

__

It’s like the door has just slammed in front of Isak. One minute Even was laughing and having fun and now, trying to master a smile, he fails.

__

“Well, since we talk about interrupted orgasms,” Mutta is the first clear the air between all of them to notice Isak is missing from conversation. “Did something like this happen to you, Isak?”

__

“Uh.”

__

Well, this is awkward. What does he say? The truth about that he has never been intimate with anyone? That he has never even kissed a boy before? To people he knows for literally five minutes?

__

Sometimes Isak forgets he hasn’t come out yet because in his head it’s so clear and mundane now, and then he starts to think of people he could possibly tell about him being gay and it just. Tires him so much.

__

He doesn’t want to come out, he doesn’t want it to be a big thing and he doesn’t want to waste his energy trying to explain someone why it is the way it is.

__

Isak spent months thinking, and thinking, and thinking, and he doesn’t want to relive those months again in a conversation with someone he just met. He can predict following questions, mistrust, confusion. Even in safe space like this, with a group of people who clearly care about each other no matter what and won’t judge him for something like that.

__

If Isak tells somebody, he wants it to be just a fact. Something he mentions between the lines while talking about something else.

__

And still, it’s scary. But mostly tiring.

__

“Don’t embarrass him! You all just met him,” he registers Elyse say, she seems to sober up, just a little.

__

“No, it’s fine.” Isak shrugs it off. “And no, nobody interrupted my orgasms. Not yet, at least.”

__

Neither a truth nor a false. Good job, Isak. Keep it up with gray area! But don’t ask why your whole life is just as gray as it gets.

__

It’s when Even stands up from his seat and leaves the bar, his coat forgotten on the chair. Isak throws a glance on Mel who’s looking down clearly feeling guilty. 

__

Isak, meets Elyse’s eyes and mumbling quick _sorry _, for some reason follows Even outside.__

__

__For a few seconds, Even doesn’t notice him, standing with his shoulders up to his neck and shivering from the bitter cold in his one white shirt. Now Isak should voice his presence, otherwise it has a huge possibility to become really weird. So he coughs, making Even flinch in surprise._ _

__

__“Sorry if we made you uncomfortable with all that sex talk,” Even says eventually, lighting the joint between his lips._ _

__

__Isak chuckles, shaking his head. “Nah, it’s alright. Clearly you love to mess with each other.”_ _

__

__As Even offers a handshake, introducing himself again, Isak accepts it with a nod and then takes the joint when Even hands it to him._ _

__

__“So, happy birthday?” Isak asks with an unsure smile, trying to make Even comfortable around him._ _

__

__Even raises his eyebrows and the corner of his lips go up, and that small smile is weirdly different from the one he had all night. More genuine, more relaxed. “Thanks.”_ _

__

__“It’s going to sound like a shitty excuse but I honestly didn’t know it’s your birthday. I probably wouldn't come if Elyse told me about it.”_ _

__

__Even waves his hand, looking away. “Don’t mention it. I don’t believe in birthdays.”_ _

__

__“Huh?”_ _

__

__“They never go the way you plan it. Even tonight is no exception, as you might have noticed. At some point I just stopped celebrating.”_ _

__

__Isak frowns, “Bad experience, then.”_ _

__

__Too early to ask what’s up with that._ _

__

__“Something like that.” Looking away, Even takes back the joint. He takes a drag and shakes his head, breathing out. “Look, I love my sister but sometimes she-”_ _

__

__“You don’t have to explain.” Isak cuts him off. “Everyone has things that take a lot of energy. So, I understand and you don’t have to explain.”_ _

__

__Even stops and looks at Isak with shocked expression as if he never thought not explaining was an option._ _

__

__The silence is on the edge to become very uncomfortable when Even asks. “So, you are from Oslo?”_ _

__

__“Uh-huh. Born and raised,” Isak nods watching Even carefully holding the joint between his fingers._ _

__

__“Well, I know Oslo is great and all but I hope Trondheim makes a better home for you,” Even grins and Isak just knows he means it. It’s something about his eyes and the way he says it, it all makes Isak feel peaceful._ _

__

__More than that, Even doesn’t pry on reasons Isak is here, why would he leave the capital, why would he leave his friends, why would he want to live somewhere he has never been before. Even doesn’t pry and Isak is so grateful for that. But probably Even just doesn’t care. Again, why would he care if he knows Isak for fifteen minutes?_ _

__

__Here we go. Isak has no one here. No one he can trust, no one he can talk to, no one he wants genuinely connect to. Isak had all these things back home but he decided it’s too much for him. Either he doesn't deserve his friends’ support or they will turn their backs on him eventually._ _

__

__It’s better to walk away, to have Schrodinger's cat safe in the box, as much safe as it can be._ _

__

And now he hates himself for letting those things go, because as selfish as it is, he wants, _needs_ someone to care.

__

Why is he like this? Why did he do this in the first place? He wanted so much to feel something good for once but it never happens. When does it get better, what month and day of the week should Isak wait for? Because it’s too much pain for one person to know for years.

__

__Isak heard someone say that we do not know sadness unless we have experienced joy, but Isak doesn’t remember when was the last time that he felt content, and carefree, and happy._ _

__

__What if he just gets bored, again and again. He strived to make his life better, he worked hard towards defined goal in the hopes that in attaining that goal he'll improve his life and make himself happier. He achieved that so much needed 'happiness landmark', and when he did, his life did become better indeed. Well, more bearable, at least. For some time._ _

__

The moment he got what he wanted, nothing mattered anymore. The little enthusiasm he had, any interest or will to live – it was all gone, because there wasn’t anything that made Isak _Isak_ this last year.

__

__He reveled in the sweet ecstasy that is his accomplishment, that is a change in his life. It's a shame, then, that even after he achieved something, he got accustomed to the change. It's a shame that, eventually, he began looking for new things to bring him back into that realm of joy and relief._ _

__

__Does that mean that life, then, is a constant upward climb for novelty after novelty? Is life just a brutal, high rising mountain, where he is forced to suffer the rock climb just so he can earn himself a little relief when he reaches the next happiness landing? Is true happiness even real? How can it be when he gets used to new stimulus so fast?_ _

__

__Happiness isn't the default state. And it isn't some reward to be earned either. Maybe constantly seeking happienss, he, ironically, makes himself less happy._ _

__

It was supposed to be a nice evening, why does Isak just _need_ to be Isak? A happy tune this day carried didn’t last.

__

__***_ _

__

_  
_  
_From: Jonas  
 _Halla_  
 _How is it going?_

  
To: Jonas  
_Good_

From: Jonas  
 _Are your new roommates nice?_

To: Jonas  
_I have one roommate. He seems ok_

From: Jonas  
 _That’s good!_  
 _What are you up to besides studying?__   
_   
_

__Isak would love to answer but he has nothing to say.__

__

__

__***_ _

__

_  
_  
_Jonas texting him brought old memories back._   
_   
_

__All he can think about is Anders and how he made him feel and how he hates that his life is still about him._ _

__

__Honestly? He hopes he’s going to choke._ _

__

__Metaphorically, of course. Isak would never wish somebody to die._ _

__

__With every new day anger only grows, and grows, and it doesn’t leave his body, creating that new awful person Isak is turning into. It’s all Isak has now. He wakes up angry, goes to school angry, does his homework angry, goes to sleep angry. It’s the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing when he goes to sleep._ _

__

Wikihow page changed from _how to stop missing someone you loved_ to _how to stop being angry all the time._

__

__Exhausting, never-ending loop of self-doubt and what ifs, and he can’t tell anyone about it._ _

__

__He’s angry at himself for letting Anders have this power over him that made him feel so small, and wrong, and quiet. He’s angry at Anders for saying all those things that made him feel guilty about the way he is._ _

__

__Why is somebody else’s comfort is still more important than his own?_ _

__

__This is when Isak wants Anders to know what horrible person he’s been to him. At the same time, Isak doesn’t want to hear from him ever again._ _

__

__Isak actually felt grateful for meeting him, because he thought who, if not Anders, could show him he knows how to love. But then it hits Isak, if not Anders, there could be another boy who would. Maybe later in life, but it would happen, eventually._ _

__

__Isak loved him so much and now he hates him thousands times harder. He didn’t even know that was possible._ _

__

__The novelty of the feeling is some kind of revelation. Isak has been drowning since he was seventeen and now he reached the surface. He just needs to get to the shore before it’s too late.__

__

__

__***_ _

__

_

__###_ _

_  
_Isak is in the kitchen staring at wall in front of him while reflecting where his life is heading. Nowhere, apparently._   
_   
_

Alex finds him there and at first he doesn’t say anything but when Isak doesn’t make any movements for several minutes, he let’s out a soft _hey._ Instead of asking Isak how he is, Alex doesn’t push and just offers:

__

__“Do you maybe want to join Jess and I for a movie night in the living room?”_ _

__

__“I don’t want to third wheel,” Isak says, scowling._ _

__

__“You won’t. It’s just a movie.”_ _

__

__They had a few friendly moments before, Alex was always nothing but nice. Tonight is no different. So Isak agrees because he has nothing else to do and he actually wouldn’t mind watching something only to _stop thinking_ so much. So he accepts the invitation. _ _

__

__It’s Jess’ pick and it’s some low-budget drama road film and Isak doesn’t expect anything from it, but then he sees family members going about dysfunctional relationship and still loving each other, even when it seems like they are one step away from burning down as a family. If there is anything Isak can relate more._ _

__

__Isak tenses when he learns that one of the main characters is a gay man who tried to kill himself and it make his mind go wild with thoughts. He turns his head to see Alex and Jess’ reactions but there are none, only full concentration on everything that’s happening on the screen._ _

__

__Would he do that, he asks himself. If he felt so miserable he could give up everything, would he do it? What would he feel if he tried, but survived, just like the movie character?_ _

__

__The scariest thing, Isak doesn’t know. The thought of eventually dying always terrified him and out of everything, Isak would rather to never be born. That’s easy._ _

__

__But he is here. It wasn’t his choice, he never asked for it, but he still has to exist._ _

__

__Looking for the light at the end of the tunnel is draining when you see no results of your hard work. There is no point in trying anymore. He’s come – not so far, not even a little bit – but it doesn’t have to be the end, right? There is always has to be a way out._ _

__

__When Isak sees credits roll, he thinks about how the movie is an epitome of sorrow and sadness and misery but the whole melancholy of it carries so much comfort and hope. Somehow, for a few hours, it manages to make Isak feel lighter.__

__

__

__***_ _

__

_  
_  
_Isak is tipsy. He isn’t drunk, not yet, but he’s at the point when thoughts turn even more evil, so he drinks some more to stop them altogether._   
_   
_

__The music in the club is so shitty he doesn’t know how to dance to it. The only thing is left is to watch people embarrass themselves on the dancefloor._ _

__

__Isak wonders how his mind works when one morning he wakes up and he wants to stay in bed for a little longer because he didn’t get enough sleep. Then the next morning he doesn’t want to wake up at all._ _

__

__It’s like waves. Everything that is happening to him keeps building up, forming that enormous heavy pile just to crush it all on him. Logically, he knows it is going to happen, he just prefers not to think about it. Keeping yourself on your toes is exhausting, and when you try to forget about it at least for an hour or two, you just can’t, you fail._ _

__

__That voice in your head constantly reminds you you can’t have fun, you are always in danger, you can’t make mistakes, you have already done so many. Another one is totally going to destroy you._ _

__

__This time it isn’t emptiness, it’s polar opposite._ _

__

__Isak thought he can do it on his own, he doesn’t have to open up to anyone to get better but by now it turned into keeping distance with literally everyone, old friends and new acquaintances. Nobody knows him, nobody is there for him and _he_ made it happen._ _

__

__Don’t get him wrong, he’s glad he isn’t in high school anymore, because that time of his life is forever destroyed and he is never getting it back._ _

__

__If he were to tell people, would they understand? Because it seems like they all behave like they understand but in reality, they don’t. You can never understand something if you didn’t have the same experience and it makes all of us even more lonely. Everyone speaks in their own language putting their own definitions in words they use. At the end of the day, you is all you have and it should give you at least some feeling of stability and comfort._ _

__

__Isak has been getting used to his pain for long enough to learn how it works, and now when he understands it, it doesn’t seem that foreign anymore._ _

__

__This pain is mostly an enemy. It makes Isak hate his brain and there is no escape. Then, one blissful moment catches him off guard, and – oh, too bad he missed it._ _

__

__Someone slides down on the chair next to his, a guy his age, maybe a little older, looks him up and down._ _

__

__He buys Isak another beer then, without asking if he wants it, and says something Isak can’t really remember. It’s all in a blur because one, he is tipsy, two, he’s worried he’s in a public place with a guy who’s explicitly flirting with him._ _

__

__They don’t even exchange names, but when the guy pulls Isak by his wrist to dance, Isak follows._ _

__

It’s awkward at first but then he kisses Isak and it’s an _oh, do it again_. And again, and again, and then they are making out for minutes that last like forever in the club full of people who don’t pay any attention to them-

__

__That’s when the guy’s hand slips on his crotch and instinctively Isak pushes him away. It’s not because he doesn’t want to, it happens on autopilot because he wasn’t expecting it and probably because he isn’t ready. Not in the bar full of people who can see them anyway._ _

__

Throwing muffled _sorry_ Isak sees the guy’s unpleased expression. A few steps backwards, and Isak makes his way to the backdoor.

__

__They all saw him, but the world didn’t stop spinning, right? Nobody cared, right?_ _

__

__He should have known better than to come here alone._ _

__

__He wants to sit on the steps to slow down his breathing, he almost does so, but he can’t – his heart hurts, physically, and it's so painful that Isak hears himself scream. It’s starts beating like crazy, and Isak feels something bad is about to happen._ _

__

Is he dying? Is that _it_? He was thinking about dying just a few nights ago and now it is _here_? No, it can’t be it, it just can’t, it’s too much, he doesn’t want to-

__

__But the feeling is too strong, too powerful and Isak is weak. He always is, he can’t fight it. From the top of his head to inside his lungs to the tips of his toes – it’s all burning, crushing, and breaking. He should just surrender and let it be. He’s so good at letting things be, so why is he resisting now?_ _

__

___Say your goodbyes. You're about to vanish._ _ _

__

__Pain stabs him in the heart one more time, and Isak is sure he screams once again. He is sweating, palms itching, and he leans with his back on the brick wall of the building, desperately trying to control his breathing._ _

__

__He fails._ _

__

Isak doesn’t hear anything at first, he doesn’t want to, but his eyes meet Even’s, _Even’s_ out of all people, and the clouds in his mind start flowing in a different direction.

__

__“Hey, what are-” it was probably the moment when Even realized what’s going on, but Isak doesn’t know. He says nothing, registers Even repeating something silly and so unimportant, and then feels Even’s palm on his cheek._ _

__

__“What do you need me to do?” Even asks, distress written all over his face._ _

__

__“I-” Isak struggles to choke. “I don’t know.”_ _

__

__Even takes Isak’s hand and places it on his heart, then he says, “Focus on my heartbeat, yeah?”_ _

__

__How can he? He can’t focus. It’s too much._ _

__

__This noise is too loud and he is the center of it. Usually, his thoughts are too loud. Usually, he doesn’t want them._ _

__

__It’s like he’s falling, and falling, and falling and he is so fucking terrified of what’s going to happen when he finally hits the bottom._ _

__

__“Breath with me,” he hears Even’s voice again through his pumping blood. “Come on, you know you can do it. Easy as one, two, three-”_ _

__

__“Just like the song?” Isak interrupts him, his shaky breathing making the voice break._ _

__

__Even chuckles. “Yes, just like that silly song.”_ _

__

__“I want to stop it. I do, I just can’t, I can’t-” Isak lets out and it’s above whisper._ _

__

__“Yes, you can. You’re safe. You can do it.”_ _

__

__It feels like a lifetime, and it doesn’t stop hurting, his thoughts jump from one to another, quick and vicious, but Even’s grip on his shoulder is strong enough to finally ground him._ _

__

__Here goes the counting._ _

__

__One, two, three._ _

__

__In, out. In, out. In, out._ _

__

__He can do it._ _

__

__Even is breathing with him, not blinking, looking straight into his eyes and then- Then his brain masters another thought. Shame. Isak met this guy only once in his life a month ago and the second time he sees him he’s witnesses him having a breakdown?_ _

__

__No, no, no. He’s embarrassing, why does he have to be like this. He never learns, it never gets better, he’ll never be okay-_ _

__

__“See, you did it.” Even’s face lights up so bright Isak has to close his eyes. Both from embarrassment and shame and from how happy he looks._ _

__

__How can’t he see what a disappointment Isak is?_ _

__

__“What are you doing here?” He asks, shaking his head, then he brings his palms to his itching eyes. He’s surprised he is surprised to find his fingertips wet._ _

__

__Even is confused for a few seconds, as if he was caught off guard. He sighs, “Mel works here, but she asked me to replace her tonight. I saw you when you were leaving and wanted to say hi.”_ _

__

__“Hi,” Isak quietly breathes out, Even’s hand is still on his shoulder. His grip is getting lighter and lighter but Even still doesn’t let go._ _

__

__It makes Even smile, it’s a sad smile, though._ _

__

__“Are you alone here or-” he asks, looking for something in Isak’s face._ _

__

So, Even didn’t see him with that guy. It’s sort of sad because that way Isak wouldn't have to come out, to actually say the words _I’m gay_ out loud. Or Even did see him, and he just gives him an opportunity to come out. If that’s the case, it's incredibly cruel and it angers Isak, because why would Even ask that if he actually saw him kissing that dude- 

__

__“-or I can find your friends so you are with someone you know better.”_ _

__

__Oh._ _

__

__That’s so nice of Even Isak wants to cry._ _

__

__“No, it’s okay.” Isak shakes his head, sliding down to the ground, and runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m just gonna go home. In a minute.”_ _

__

__Even awkwardly shifts from foot to foot, putting his hands in pocket of his jeans. “Can I at least call you a taxi?”__

__

__

__###_ _

__

_

__***_ _

_  
_It’s easier for Isak not to think too much when University is keeps him busy. Physical exhaustion is nicer, it makes you to do stuff that you’re sure are important, in a way, and it leaves you with no energy to go deep in your twisted mind._   
_   
_

__Maybe he is running from his problems again, but the fear of facing them once more is so strong, he can’t let it happen again. Plus it’s working, so far so good, so he adjusts to it._ _

__

__Besides, midterms are coming and he needs to spend his all free time on studying anyway. The last couple of weeks he spent in the library, trying to wrap his head around pretentious psychological terms and results of some big deal researcher’s experiment. Only this time Elyse is keeping him company, struggling with her own assignments and deadlines._ _

__

After two hours of non-stop reading, Isak decides to make a pause and leans back in his chair. He wouldn’t say no to coffee right now. This is _such_ a good idea.

__

__“Hey,” Elyse puts her arms on the table in front of her, and lowering her voice, continues. “Me and the guys are planning to go to Mel and Even’s parents cabin after midterms are over. Are you coming?”_ _

__

__In all, it isn’t weird to get an invitation like this from her anymore. They are studying partners and they do study dates sometimes, now even more often, and when they meet in hallways, they talk until they are both late for classes._ _

__

They text _and_ Elyse sends him memes. In a way, they are friends.

__

__So, he isn’t surprised when she asks him that. The only thing that comes to his mind is, “But it’s March.”_ _

__

Elyse shrugs and frowns, without words saying _who cares._

__

__

__

__Well, fair. He is going to need some rest after all this studying. It’s settled, then.__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__***_ _

__

__

__

_  
_  
_  
_Jonas still texts him from time to time. Not that often, though. Mahdi and Magnus, too. But it’s all mostly in their old group chat that is still somehow alive._   
_   
_   
_

__He sees Eskild posting silly videos on Instagram with Noora. Eva is there, too. Everyone seem pretty content with their lives and Isak should be with his, too._ _

__

__

__

__It’s old news for Isak that you only post good sides of your life on social media and in most cases it’s exaggerated but it doesn’t mean they are completely false. He thinks he could have been in those pictures as well._ _

__

__

__

__The other night he scrolled through his feed for hours, until he realized he had to wake up in two for classes._ _

__

__

__

__He thought he let it go but well, what a surprise, he didn’t. There are so many ways to trick yourself into believing something that is totally made up by you._ _

__

__

__

__Isak stops liking their posts. Not because he’s jealous (even though he is, so selfish of him, right?) but because he needs to own up for his decisions. He left them and he isn’t coming back, and they aren’t coming back either. That should mean he has to actually learn how to live without them._ _

__

__

__

__Yeah, he forgot about that part.__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__***_ _

__

__

__

_  
_  
_  
_It’s so weird to see Elyse’s friends again. They greet him as if he is their old time friend and try to make him feel comfortable and it doesn’t seem feigned._   
_   
_   
_

__There are two more of them this time, Yousef and Adam. Mel introduces them, and at first they are just as awkward as Isak. It’s okay._ _

__

__

__

__Very soon someone sets the music, some new indie album playing through the speakers (as it turns out, Mel’s choice) and from that moment it’s all laugh, loud talking, and messing with each other._ _

__

__

__

__The boys occupy the kitchen, Yousef making something to eat with Mikael’s help (it’s not like he does much) because some of them got hungry._ _

__

__

__

__“I can cook, too.” Mel says unimpressed with a glass of diet coke in her hand as she shakes her head – she cut her bangs recently, probably still getting used to it._ _

__

__

__

__“Remember her coming out pies?” Mutta explaims, falling on the chair next to Isak. “They were fire.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Duuude, that actually was hilarious.” Adam laughs as Isak gazes around the room, looking for explanation:_ _

__

__

__

__“What? Why is it so funny?”_ _

__

__

__

__“See,” Mikael starts. “Mel had a hard time coming out to us because we are Muslims.”_ _

__

__

__

__“No.” She flips Mikael off, biting an apple. “It’s because you are boys. And boys are disgusting.”_ _

__

__

__

__“So,” without paying attention to her, Mikael continues. “She made us pies. A lot of pies. With rainbows on it.”_ _

__

__

__

__It’s when everyone lose it, even Elyse starts to giggle in her fist._ _

__

__

__

__“I don’t believe it.” Isak shakes his head, unconvinced. He can’t believe the girl with short black hair and thick black eyeliner could ever pull off something like this._ _

__

__

__

__“I was seventeen or whatever.” Mel waves her hand, unbothered. “Okay, here’s the truth.” Mel sighs and rolls her eyes. “I knew you all forever, we were friends since I remember myself. Of course it was difficult!”_ _

__

__

__

__“The pies were great, actually.” Yousef raises his index finger when the room falls into silence._ _

__

__

__

__Mel tilts her head, smiling with a corner of her mouth, telling with her expression what doesn’t need to be said out loud. “Thanks.”_ _

__

__

__

“They were, indeed. But it was ages ago, so it doesn’t count. And you still can’t cook like Yousef.” Adam clicks his tongue and it earns him a choir of low _ohhhhh’s_ from the boys.

__

__

__

__“And not like Even either!” Mutta adds high fiving Adam._ _

__

__

__

“Chill, guys.” Yousef chuckles and shakes his hand, maneuvering between tables and cabinets. “Even once made you an omelet and you already consider him a chef.”

__

__

__

“That’s because he can’t do even _that_ ,” Elyse laughs at her own joke and it makes Isak laugh more than her remark itself.

__

__

__

__“By the way, where is Even?” Mikael yells at some point from the living room. How did he end up there?_ _

__

__

__

__“He will be here in a few hours or so. He’ll bring more food,” Elyse says, grabbing Isak hand and pulling him out of the kitchen. “Look, Isak I need to tell you something.” She stops in her tracks and turns to face him so fast that Isak needs a second to recover. When he looks at her, she’s biting her lips and scratches the back of her head. “I think we are out of free guest rooms, do you mind sleeping on the couch in the living room? I’m really embarrassed because I invited you but the boys won’t be up till noon anyway so you don’t worry about being bothered in the morning.”_ _

__

__

__

__Isak is surprised she’s worried about something like that. He’s not the one to be picky._ _

__

__

__

__“Yeah, sure. No problem.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Yeah?” At first, Elyse is confused by how fast he agrees and doesn’t see an issue at all and then, just in one second, she’s relieved. “I’m so sorry. I honestly forgot.”_ _

__

__

__

__“I said it’s okay. I once lived in a basement,” it slips from his tongue as he shrugs._ _

__

__

__

__She opens her eyes so wide it becomes comical as she deadpans, “You what?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Yeaaah,” Isak makes a face, realizing he isn’t getting out of it this time. “That’s a story.”_ _

__

__

__

__\---_ _

__

__

__

__After all fun ends, you’re alone with your head again. Isak already hates what’s coming._ _

__

__

__

The thing is, it _was_ fun, and Isak had a great time, but sometimes someone would say something and everyone would laugh, everyone except Isak, because he isn’t a part of that inside joke.

__

__

__

__If somebody told Isak someone loves them, he wouldn’t believe it._ _

__

__

__

__Everything is temporary; everyone in your life is temporary. For how long is he going to stick around with Elyse and her friends? See, it’s _Elyse and her friends._ Takes too much time and energy to build a connection. Isak can’t take it anymore._ _

__

__

__

__What he knows for sure is that he is a coward because he chose to cut ties and never speak to his friends again than to deal with problems like a grown up does. He counts how long it is until he leaves these people, too. Or, maybe, they have better judge of character and they leave him first._ _

__

__

__

__Isak can’t stop thinking about how they all love each other. Yes, they’ve know each other for ages but the way everyone’s face lighted up when Even came – he arrived an hour later with food (and with booze for himself, Mel and Elyse; Isak stole a bottle, too), and it hit too close to home. If only he knew how to handle his life._ _

__

__

__

__Isak didn’t have a chance to talk with Even tonight, although he really wanted to, he needs to apologize for… behaving like a freak last time. But he couldn’t, because he spent the whole night trying to explain Elyse that the month of his life he spent living in Eskild’s basement is long forgotten and no, he is all good now._ _

__

__

__

__Didn’t feel like the truth but he’s gotten used to it. Anyway, he could have just pretended it was a joke and he was just being funny, and Elyse would let him be but he decided to share. And then she proceeded to hug him so tight for several minutes before he managed to tell her it hurt._ _

__

__

__

__So, what is it if not a small step?_ _

__

__

__

__He’s disturbed when someone walks out of one of the bedrooms and makes their way outside. At first, Isak is annoyed he isn’t the only one awake in this hour, but then, it’s sort of comforting._ _

__

__

__

__He sits up on the couch and looks out of the window, recognizes Even’s features in the dim yellow light of the porch. There are no better things to do right now, so Isak quickly puts on his sweater and jumps into his jeans and heads to the exit door._ _

__

__

__

__“Hey,” Isak nods, making a few steps closer to Even._ _

__

__

__

__He needs to say this before he combusts because he never felt so embarrassed in front of someone. As if Even saw him naked but only worse. Being vulnerable isn’t on Isak’s list of things he’s good at even after he told Elyse the story about him being homeless._ _

__

__

__

__“Hey,” Even smiles at him, looking only a bit surprised (he hides it well) and, raising his brows, invites Isak to sit next to him on the bench. “Are you ok?’_ _

__

__

__

__“Yeah. I mean, as okay as it gets.” Isak sighs, awkwardly playing with his fingers. “You don’t sleep, too?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Nah. It’s just- Too much is happening in my head right now.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Same.” Surprised by such blatant honesty, Isak bites his lips. “Look, I just wanted to say sorry.”_ _

__

__

__

__“What for?”_ _

__

__

__

__“For that last time. I-”_ _

__

__

__

__“You don’t have to apologize.” Even cuts him off, but he says it so softly Isak can’t be mad at him. “I understand, believe me.”_ _

__

__

__

__“I guess it’s just weird how we don’t know each other and you saw me… in that state,” Isak whispers into the darkness._ _

__

__

__

__“Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you’re okay.”_ _

__

__

__

__The quiet around them envelops them, nobody ever managed to make him so comfortable so fast. It’s the way Even just… is, makes Isak breath out, thoughts calm down and blood pressure level out._ _

__

__

__

__They really don’t know each other, huh._ _

__

__

__

__“And, we can change that and get to know each other.” Even smirks and bumps shoulders with Isak. “You’re studying?”_ _

__

__

__

__“That’s cheating, you already knew that.” Isak rolls his eyes, but it’s impossible not to smile. “You’re working?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Uh-huh. Art studio for kids.” Even rolls his eyes as well and keep grinning. “I know, I know, it’s sort of silly. But I needed to do something after- after I decided to take a gap year.”_ _

__

__

__

__It reminds Isak that he isn’t the only one with sad stories. Not that Even’s story had to be sad, but blue tone of Even’s voice is too recognizable for Isak._ _

__

__

__

__“So you went to Uni. Where?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Art History, NTNU.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Huh? Really? ”_ _

__

__

__

__“Yeah. I’m thinking about coming back this fall. Try something else. So we might start see each other more often.” With a raised eyebrow, Even winks. Isak can’t help but laugh because Even can’t wink at all._ _

__

__

__

__“What are the odds. We could have met even earlier.” In hoarse voice Isak continues. “What is something else? You didn’t like what you studied before?”_ _

__

__

__

__“There were… a lot of reasons why I took a gap year. It’s not that I didn’t like Art History, because I did, I just felt like it was limiting me. I want- I want more… Freedom. Theory is great but it isn’t enough for me.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Well, I really hope you’ll find what you’re passionate about,” Isak softly says, and the reference to the night they met brings up crystal shining in Even’s eyes. Or, maybe it’s just the yellow light._ _

__

__

__

__Isak’s skin goes goosebumps from cold and he’s too slow to realize it. Should have put on his jacket on as well, the whole thing makes him feel too vulnerable. To distract himself from it, he blurts out. “Mel and you, you have such a… powerful bond. Considering you have a common group of friends.”_ _

__

__

__

__Even chuckles, shaking his head. “It wasn’t always like that. I hated her when we were kids.” With a notice of Isak’s confused expression, he shrugs. "Our parents got together when I was eleven. Mel was ten. She was all noisy, and annoying, and loud. Now that I think of it, I probably just hated the competition.”_ _

__

__

__

__Isak giggles and it earns him Even’s grin as well._ _

__

__

__

__“What? I love attention.”_ _

__

__

__

__“I bet you do.”_ _

__

__

__

__“But, uhm. I hated that my dad wasn’t around anymore and then there was this new man I didn’t know. I was scared of everything new that I moved all those unknown feelings on Melissa. She did somewhat the same. When we got older, we had a lot of serious conversations about this. And then it turned out we have a lot of things in common. Music. Cinema. Girls.” An emphasis on the last word, a funny glint in the eyes, a sly smirk._ _

__

__

__

__Yeah, nothing new._ _

__

__

__

__“It’s good you two have each other.” Isak smiles._ _

__

__

__

__Even slowly sighs, and Isak can see his breath – it must have gotten even colder._ _

__

__

__

__“Yeah. It is.”__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__***_ _

__

__

__

_  
_  
_  
_Isak wishes being a part of this huge group would become more natural, normal thing. Because he still feels like he’s intruding._   
_   
_   
_

__At first, it’s always unintentional, it just happens that Isak is there to find out they have plans to do something. It’s the best he has so far, though._ _

__

__

__

__From time to time they all hang out in each other places (usually Yousef’s) when they eat his and his dad’s culinary masterpieces and play Uno, a few weeks later they even decide to go through journey to the town nearby when the weather finally gifts them with sun and warmth._ _

__

__

__

__Elyse and Mel are at the start of the bus, listening to music through shared air pods, Isak hears how Mikael is expressively trying to prove something to Adam while Mutta and Yousef are busy with checking if all their bags are in place._ _

__

__

__

__Even presumptuously falls on the seat next to him and hands him an earbud without saying anything. Listening to Even’s playlist, Isak goes from surprised to confused, and that’s when Even jokingly (Isak very hopes so) says:_ _

__

__

__

__“What, you don’t like Astrid? Wait for Gabrielle then.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Oh no. Please say you are kidding.” Isak deadpans but doesn’t takes off the earbud. “If this is your playlist, then you shamelessly lied about Mel and you having the same taste in music.”_ _

__

__

__

__“You don’t even know what she’s listening to.” Even replies, unconvinced. With raised eyebrows, of course, and that sly smirk of his._ _

__

__

__

__“I don’t need to.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Come on, don’t be such an ass. Everyone has guilty pleasures. You do, too.” Even bumps his shoulder with his, and it makes Isak roll his eyes. He doesn’t say anything though. Maybe pop music isn’t that bad, after all._ _

__

__

__

__It’s difficult to be a part of a new dynamic, and still, after only a month of getting to know them all, it’s also hard for Isak to think about losing it all._ _

__

__

__

__\---_ _

__

__

__

__As it turns out, Even’s playlist isn’t only all Norwegian pop._ _

__

__

__

__He surprises Isak with German rock and British indie; there are also even some electronic stuff. Isak doesn’t know what to do with it, it feels like he has been living under a rock all these years and now he’s discovering something grand and important. And not just music._ _

__

__

__

__Like, at some point Even meets Isak after his classes and takes him to the new exhibition of contemporary art downtown._ _

__

__

__

__“I guess I just don’t understand contemporary art,” Isak says looking at all those exhibits on display._ _

__

__

__

__Not that Isak understands art in general._ _

__

__

__

__Some parts of the exhibition are interactive, for example, there is a pile of thin books and to understand what the object is about, you have to read through at least one of them._ _

__

__

__

There are more simple examples, though. One makes Isak smile – an artifact named _Voice_ , a big plaster cast of a man’s head with a cut out mouth. Inside the cast there is filling foam. It makes him smile mostly because Isak understands it, in a way, and relates to it, only instead of filling foam in man’s mouth it’s filling foam in Isak’s mind.

__

__

__

__“Me neither.” Isak has been getting to know Even for a while now, but what doesn’t stop to amaze him, it’s Even’s blatant honesty, his unapologetic self, as if he has nothing to be ashamed of. Not his opinion, not the way he lives. Nothing. As if Even has nothing to hide. “But considering given circumstances and the world we all live in, it’s almost impossible to create something meaningful these days. I honestly have a lot of respect for artists who actually manage to impress me with their works.”_ _

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__Then, there is the time when Even is two beers in, and maybe it’s also weed, but he can’t stop talking about how mass culture influences people and how tragic the result is._ _

__

__

__

__They are on the floor of Isak’s room, Even is lying on his back and Isak, amused, is watching him, leaning his head on his arm by the bed._ _

__

__

__

__“Maybe it’s up to a person, while consuming, to distinguish art or popular culture and what they believe in.” Isak suggests only to say something._ _

__

__

__

Even shakes his head hard, “No, it doesn’t work like that. You can be the smartest person on the planet, you can never in your life betray your beliefs, and media will still influence you. _One_ , because it’s actually very unclear where are _our_ beliefs and where are beliefs that were forced on us either in our childhood directly through TV or by our parents or our friends-”

__

__

__

__“Well, we can still resist it. Am I wrong?” Isak interrupts him, frowning._ _

__

__

__

“Yeah, sure, we can try. Resist what, though? That’s also unlear. Because _two_ , what if my rebellion is another side of popular culture that was also forced on me? That probably how it is.”

__

__

__

__“That’s deep.”_ _

__

__

__

“Maybe. I try not to think about these stuff, too much headache.” Even says with his eyes closed, he looks so peaceful Isak doesn’t want to disturb him. Then, he opens his eyes and looks straight at Isak. “What deep thoughts are there in that head of _yours?_ ”

__

__

__

__Being silent is what Isak always does best, and he has to change it, somehow._ _

__

__

__

__Even never mentioned the time he helped him through his panic attack and Isak doesn’t bring it up as well. Still, Isak doesn’t know what to think of it. Either Even understands the boundaries or he would rather forget he’s friends with mentally unstable Isak._ _

__

__

__

__So yeah, Isak doesn’t bring it up._ _

__

__

__

__There is another thing he wants to talk about, though._ _

__

__

__

__"Have you ever loved someone but knew you two just don't fit so you just let it be and never did anything about it?" with all bravery there is in him, Isak looks up._ _

__

__

__

__"I think,” Even makes a pause. “It's just an excuse you make for yourself so you don't have to make the first move. Because until you actually experience it, you won't know if you fit or not. Empirical method of knowledge or whatever Sir Francis Bacon wrote about.”_ _

__

__

__

__“That doesn’t make sense, you know that?” Isak is trying the best not to fell down laughing. It is actually funny and it makes Isak feel scared a little less._ _

__

__

__

__“I’m not good at Philosophy, sorry.” Even makes a face as if he’s actually hates philosophy._ _

__

__

__

__“Okaaay, that’s enough weed for you for tonight.”_ _

__

__

__

__“That’s my weed, it’s up to me to say when it’s enough.” The tone of his voice isn’t aggressive but very different from before, and he says it with his eyes closed Isak doesn’t know what to think._ _

__

__

__

__“Huh? Elyse gave to me.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Yeah, and I gave it to her.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Are you trying to say I’ve been smoking your weed all this time?” Isak deadpans and it erns him Even’s loud laugh he’s afraid he’s going to wake up Alex in the next room._ _

__

__

__

__In a moment, Even becomes another constant. Isak can’t believe how fast it happened, but it did and it’s one a few things that comfort him.__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__***_ _

__

__

__

_  
_  
_  
_Things are actually decent._   
_   
_   
_

__Sometimes he doesn’t sleep because of busy studying nights, sometime Alex annoys him with forgetting to clean up the kitchen after himself, sometimes he still starts to believe in things his mind makes up - it’s a thing that isn’t easy to get rid of. It isn’t very enjoyable to be scared of another panic attack happening at literally any time of the day or night either._ _

__

__

__

__But things are actually decent. He has Elyse, and Even, and the guys, and they welcomed him when they didn’t have to._ _

__

__

__

__In general, things are decent, except sometimes he remembers Anders. And if he doesn’t try to remember every single thing he ever said, Isak is okay. But then his mind starts to wonder, again, then there is no going back._ _

__

__

__

__It’s funny how after he smashed Isak’s heart into dirt Isak realized he doesn’t find anything attractive about him anymore._ _

__

__

__

__Not his gray piercing eyes, not his hair, not his smile. He used to love those things about him, he nearly died every time he joked or laughed and Isak cherished those moments because they were golden. For him, they were._ _

__

__

__

__And now, after over a year of agony, it’s… gone?_ _

__

__

__

__He loved him enough to forget himself. It’s that part of Isak he wants to rip out of his chest and bury in the woods. Forget that it ever existed._ _

__

__

__

__It’s funny how he doesn’t love him anymore but remembers what it was like.__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__***_ _

__

__

__

_  
_  
_  
_The alcohols starts to kick in, only slightly. Isak isn’t even tipsy, his mind just starts wondering._   
_   
_   
_

__He watches Even talking about his travel experience in the last few years, how his mom is obsessed with visiting new places and it’s something he got from her, and suddenly Isak doesn’t feel like himself anymore. As if he were to observe himself from afar._ _

__

__

__

__The thing with Even is so weird, they know each other for several months and Isak never viewed him as anything more than a friend. When he first saw him, he thought he’s attractive, sure, but that was it, really._ _

__

__

__

__And Even is such a good friend. Isak knows Even is kind, and funny, even if they are in the process of building a bond. And now Isak is looking at him and he can’t look away. As if Isak looked at him through different eyes, as if they weren’t his all that time._ _

__

__

__

__It’s a flash, a fast thought, and he realizes. Isak lingers his eyes on Even’s features for a second more and-_ _

__

__

__

__Yeah._ _

__

__

__

That’s _it._

__

__

__

__The whole situation is so mundane, they have been out together many times now, both just two of them or with their friends. It’s an ordinary Saturday night in May right before Isak’s exams start and Isak is left absolutely speechless. How didn’t he see it before?_ _

__

__

__

__They don’t drink any more beer. Even says he has to come back home earlier tonight and Isak doesn’t try to object. He can’t find enough bravery in himself to ask Even to stay a little longer so he could have one memory more to cherish._ _

__

__

__

__Not saying a word, it’s something Isak does the best, as always._ _

__

__

__

__“I’m so sleepy, you can’t even imagine,” Even says, taking his wallet out to pay for his drink._ _

__

__

__

__As on the request, the piano girl suddenly starts to play the famous lullaby from their childhood, Isak is one hundred percent positive Even knows that song, too, so he just starts mumbling the words he manages to remember. Even looks at him for a second and then he grins, wide and so bright Isak has to look away to give himself a break, and starts singing it with Isak._ _

__

__

__

__“She is definitely a mind reader,” Isak says as they head to the exit. Even if Even’s is a bit tipsy, Isak earns himself his laugh with that._ _

__

__

__

__They head to the tram station together, the main street is overcrowded this evening and Isak lets himself get lost for a moment in the laughter and talking from everywhere around him. If it was a movie, that’s probably when you got a montage of close ups with some lovely indie song in the background._ _

__

__

__

__Isak is not living in the cocoon anymore and he realizes he loves it, it feels incredibly liberating._ _

__

__

__

__Even keeps talking about something, and he’s so enthusiastic about it that Isak has to catch him by his arm while crossing the road to prevent him from being hit by the car. He keeps his hand on Even’s wrist for longer than he is supposed to._ _

__

__

__

__Even talks, and talks, and talks, and Isak isn’t listening anymore, distracted by his own thoughts, and then he feels guilty for not paying attention to what Even is saying but he just… can’t._ _

__

__

__

Going home tonight is the weirdest experience, because seriously. How could he _not see?_

__

__

__

__In these last two months, Even was always there._ _

__

__

__

__He was the first one who Isak would tell good news and good news don’t happen very often to Isak, he is Isak's number one chat, he is the one to send Isak silly Seinfield memes and complain about his day and difficult kids at the studio._ _

__

__

__

They were talking non-stop for the last few weeks, but it feels like a lifetime. Suddenly the person is just _there_ and you forget you ever lived without them.

__

__

__

__He didn’t even know something like this was possible._ _

__

__

__

__He’s known Even for a while and not once he thought he could like him like that. Because Even had girls all over him all the time and he was always so charming with them when they flirted with him, when they touched him, when they asked him out. Isak never let himself think he might be on one of those girls’ place._ _

__

__

__

__Isak thinks, and thinks, and thinks to the point it hurts his head while his fingertips still itch from holding on to Even’s hand ten minutes ago._ _

__

__

__

__In tram, Isak closes his eyes making himself comfortable in his seat and breaths out. Thinks back to today’s afternoon, how good Even looked in that black t-shirt, that coy smile he had when Isak was confused by the story he was trying to tell. Isak smiles against himself remembering it._ _

__

__

__

__He just needs to get home, fall asleep and he’ll figure out the rest later. Even if he knows he won’t, he senses that whatever this is, it isn’t going away any time soon. Isak realizes he can’t avoid him, he doesn’t want to and, oh lord, he doesn’t care how selfish it is._ _

__

__

__

__They are friends. Good friends._ _

__

__

__

__And then avoiding Even would be simply weird. Why would he do that? They work great as friends, actually have a good time together when they hang out and it doesn’t matter if they’re alone or in the group with other people._ _

__

__

__

__And then Isak thinks about how much better he feels himself in these last few weeks. How often he smiles now and how easier it is to fall asleep at night._ _

__

__

__

__It didn’t happen overnight and Even isn’t the reason of it. It’s in the mess of everything – how Jonas isn’t texting anymore and how missing Oslo isn’t something that crosses his mind these days, how he’s letting his old life go, step by step. It took time, but Isak knows for sure. He forgets his anger when he finds something to-_ _

__

__

__

__Love?_ _

__

__

__

__Not exactly, but Isak knows it is building inside of him, it’s some sort of work in progress – the attraction, the longing. The most unfamiliar thing in all of this is that he actually doesn’t feel angry about it. He realizes he can’t stop it and he doesn’t want to fight it, and whether it’s tiredness in his bones or selfishness of his mind he just accepts it._ _

__

__

__

__Just like that.__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__***_ _

__

__

__

_  
_  
_  
_Absolutely nothing changes after that one night in bar._   
_   
_   
_

__He texts Even just the same and Even texts back just the same. They both are busy – Isak with Uni and Even is with work. Just the same._ _

__

__

__

__Isak was right when he thought the feeling is only growing and it does not intend to go away, and the only option he has is to ignore it._ _

__

__

__

__Sometimes it’s easy. They can talk about something and Isak just lets himself be, makes a point, says what he actually thinks without that stupid wall of self-defence. It happens because he isn’t scared to be judged. In the world, there are hardly right answers for anything._ _

__

__

__

__At the start of June, after Isak and Elyse’s exams are over, they all leave town for a swim. It’s another _much needed_ vacation, and driving somewhere together should probably become their tradition._ _

__

__

__

__Warmth envelops Isak from head to toe when he’s lying on the sand and it’s the nicest thing he felt in a while. The wind brushes next to his ears, he half-listens to what Mel and some of her other girl friends she invited as well are talking about, trying to soak up the sensations as much as possible. He fears he’s going to lose it very soon._ _

__

__

__

__Later, Even asks him if he wants to look what’s behind the trees – of course Isak says yes._ _

__

__

__

That’s how they find themselves by a smaller lake (comparing to the one they picked).

__

__

__

__

__On the way to the lake Isak remembers Even shared his headphones again, playing an old Coldplay album._ _

__

__

__

__In the backseat, they didn’t talk for minutes, Isak is the one to sit by the window, his thigh touched Even’s and he knew he should have moved but he just couldn’t bring himself to. He couldn’t when it felt so nice and he immediately hated himself for being a creep._ _

__

__

__

__“This is such a good song.” Even mumbled, mostly to himself but Isak nodded and tried to focus on the lyrics. They did a good job kicking him right in the guts._ _

__

__

__

__

__Now, they sit on the grass, side by side, - and it’s so peaceful, and still, and quiet around them Isak lets himself get lost in it. He can’t let it slip away – it will, eventually, - but for now, he has to live it through while he has a chance._ _

__

__

__

__“I’m bipolar.” It’s so unexpected Isak doesn’t realizes Even said something at first. “Do you know what that means?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Um, not really? I mean, I know my friend’s mom has it but I suppose it depends on a person?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Well, yes and no. Of course, everyone is different and you can never predict someone else’s actions but symptoms mostly are the same for everyone. One day you feel like you are ready to take on the world and then you hit rock bottom-” Even’s breath hitches. “It’s ugly.”_ _

__

__

__

__Isak is silent for the next few moments because starts to remember. Should he tell Even everything? He can’t. He isn’t ready and what if he never will be?_ _

__

__

__

__If you never open up, you are never going to heal._ _

__

__

__

___But it isn't about him._ _ _

__

__

__

__Still, when he is with Even, he feels connected, never judged and so, so at ease. The words won’t come out of his mouth, though, treacherous tight feeling of forming in his stomach._ _

__

__

__

__As he looks at Even again, he realizes he might have given him the wrong idea. Instead of apologizing, he says:_ _

__

__

__

“I know it’s not the same,” Isak starts. “But I think I can understand the ugly part, as far as it’s possible. Sometimes it hurts so much I don’t want to feel anything. In those moments, I want to stop existing. I don’t want to die,” Isak emphasize the last word. “I just do not want to _be._ ”

__

__

__

__There’s something weird about wearing a mask all the time, pretending to be someone you’re not._ _

__

__

__

__What it is about, it’s that when you’re pretending, you know what to expect from yourself. You know your moves ten steps ahead and yes, it doesn’t always work out the way you planned it, sometimes you slip, but in general you know what you have to do and you try to stick to your plan. But the moment you let yourself go, for a brief second, and it's intentional and so easy and you’re surprised you can actually be that way. It’s liberating._ _

__

__

__

__You get used to following your plan and thinking over about your words and actions so when it’s just who you really are and how it actually is, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world to experience. Next to a person you trust._ _

__

__

__

__“If having bipolar thought me something, is that we can’t run from our feelings,” Even eventually says. “They come in all shapes and forms, in all possible colors, and we have to learn ourselves through them. Without them, we are nothing. And if we don’t know ourselves, what is the point?”_ _

__

__

__

__“What if I won’t like who I am?”_ _

__

__

__

__Even chuckles, sad smile on his lips. “Yeah. I know. I don’t have an answer for that. The scariest part in all this is that you blame everyone around you, but there’s no one you can blame more than yourself. This thing made me lose people.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Did you and Sonja break up because…” Isak carefully asks, thinking how relationship was the only thing Even and him never talked about. It’s not that they avoided this topic, it just never was brought up in their conversations._ _

__

__

__

__“Because of my bipolar?” Even interrupts him. Isak thinks the way he asked him came out a little rude but Even doesn’t look offended. “No. Yes. It was a lot of things, really. Actually, our break up was a pretty adult conversation during which we both realized we can’t keep using each other for our own benefits anymore. Me, because I needed some sort of stability in my life and her, because she got so used to taking care of me. Our last year together, it wasn’t exactly relationship. We were just clinging to each other because we were scared of what would happen if we stop. We were together since we were fifteen, after all. We didn’t know anything else.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Wow.” The only thing Isak can master._ _

__

__

__

__“Yeah.”_ _

__

__

__

__“And you don’t talk at all anymore?” Isak asks after a short pause._ _

__

__

__

__Even nods, then shrugs. “I wanted to stay in touch. I think she did, too. But it was too much and eventually, boom. Everything fell apart.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Do you miss her?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Sure. Now that I haven’t seen her in a while even more so. She's still important to me and that’s tricky. You start to think that maybe you shouldn’t have let the person go, because you loved them and they loved you, you think about good it was. I mean, when we miss someone we tend to remember only good things, the bad doesn’t cross our mind.” Even softly says, tilting his head. “Do you miss your friends?”_ _

__

__

__

__Letting a loud breath, Isak closes his eyes._ _

__

__

__

__Does he miss them? Yeah._ _

__

__

__

__His friends were a big part of his life growing up and now that they don’t talk, it’s only natural to feel like he has lost something for good._ _

__

__

__

__It isn’t exactly easy to hit them up after that many months of silence. What does he say to them? Sorry, I was so down I didn’t want to talk to you? I felt so alone I didn’t want to share anything of what was going on with anyone? I was so stressed I had panic attacks because of not handling the pressure?_ _

__

__

__

__But he is where he is now. Are they happy without him? Will he be happy if he reaches out to them? Things aren’t the same as they were when he was sixteen. He’s growing, so are they. Sometimes you outgrow people you’ve been close to, sometimes they outgrow you, and sometimes you grow apart. That’s all allowed. That’s okay. That’s just life._ _

__

__

__

__“Sure, I miss them.” Isak lets out a sharpen breath. “It’s more complicated than that, though.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Why? Did you have a fight before you left?” Even asks with caution, leaning a little bit closer. When he realizes Isak looks down and sighs, he quickly adds. “Sorry, you don’t have to tell me.”_ _

__

__

__

__“It’s my fault we don’t talk.”_ _

__

__

__

__What was Isak thinking about taking his mask off for a small, short moment? Now that he tried it, he can’t get enough of it._ _

__

__

__

__“How so?”_ _

__

__

__

__“I told you how sometimes it hurts so much I don’t want to feel anything? I couldn’t stop feeling this way when I moved. They tried to reach out, for quite a while but I didn’t know what to say. So, at some point I stopped answering and then they stopped texting. I was a shitty friend even before that, so I don’t think they are in the wrong here.”_ _

__

"I'm sure it's not that bad. True friends will understand if you tell them how you feel." Even quietly says, looking at Isak.

__

__

__

Isak shrugs. Remembering high school means remembering _him_. It’s crazy how little he thinks about a boy who was everything to him some time ago. The boy who is only in Isak’s past now.

__

__

__

__He let him control his life for too long and it’s about time it stops._ _

__

__

__

__The reason is simple. Isak forgets his anger when he finds something to love and well, this time it’s Even._ _

__

__

__

__Then, in a second Even stands up, takes off his shirt and jumps in the water, and it’s just as sudden as his confession was._ _

__

__

__

__“The fuck?” Isak yells, bemused._ _

__

__

__

__“Come on, let’s try it out.”_ _

__

__

__

__Devilishly grinning, Even disappears under water. At first, Isak thinks he’s just playing games, but then Even isn’t coming back for a whole minute and Isak- jumps in the lake, too._ _

__

__

__

_Cold._

__

__

__

__That’s his first thought. The next is-_ _

__

__

__

__“What, did you think I’ve drowned?” Even giggles after coming to the surface._ _

__

__

__

__“Maybe, I don’t know.” Isak says as nonchalantly as possible. It’s half-true. Even doesn’t need to know the other half._ _

__

__

__

__Even says nothing to this, he just laughs, loudly, and Isak can’t fight his smile. He can't stop watching him._ _

__

__

__

__Glow on their skin, sunlight reflecting in their eyes, water gleams as it glides between them._ _

__

__

__

__It’s the warmest Isak ever felt._ _

__

__

__

__And then-_ _

__

__

__

__“What you two are doing there?” Mikael shouts from the distance. He looks around, confused, and eventually shakes his head, laughing. “The water must be so dirty there, you know that, right?”_ _

__

__

__

__“It’s alright,” Isak says not looking away from Even._ _

__

__

__

__

***

__

_  
_

__

__

__

__“-and I’ve read about that new form of meditation when you’re remembering everything that ever happened to you. Like, usually you forget more than a half of your day but that kind of concentration makes you think in a specific way and all your memories are coming back, one after another. _Crazy_ , I said to myself, but why not to try it? And it actually works! After that I'm writing my memories down so I won’t-”_ _

__

__

__

__“Elyse, I’m gay.”_ _

__

__

__

__Quiet, but firm._ _

__

__

__

__Wow, he actually said it. He is not imagining it, is he?_ _

__

__

__

__People keep passing them in familiar noise of the street when Elyse stops, putting her arm on his shoulder stopping him, too. Isak doesn’t expect it when, without saying anything, she throws herself on his neck and squeeze him tightly in her arms._ _

__

__

__

__“Whoa,” he grunts, hesitating to return the hug. He finally puts his arms around her waist and she hugs him even tighter._ _

__

__

__

__“What, are you okay?” She asks, when they are facing each other again. “Were you scared to tell me?”_ _

__

__

__

__“I don't know. It's more like I just couldn't say it out loud.” He looks away, imagining how he’s the stupidest person in the world. “And you’re the closest person I have here.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Not true. What about the guys?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Yeah. But it’s different. I’ve known you longer and you were the first person who was kind to me in this town. And I don't even know why.”_ _

__

__

__

__Elyse sighs, but keeps grinning. “It would be very hypocrite of me to react badly, don’t you think?” She raises eyebrows, jokingly punching him in the shoulder. “And Isak, thank you for telling me.” As they start to walk again, Elyse watches his every change of expression on his face. “Do you want to talk about it?”_ _

__

__

__

__“I don’t know. I have never talked to anyone about this.”_ _

__

__

__

__She lets out a breath, this time it’s sad. “Ask me anything. I'm not an expert but maybe I still can help somehow. At very least I’m willing to listen.”_ _

__

__

__

__In silence, they walk in slow pace and Isak is trying to wrap his head about what just happened._ _

__

__

__

__The world didn’t stop spinning, he just shared a part of him and even though the voices of shame are still there, inside his mind, he manages to silent them down. At least to a point he finds courage to ask:_ _

__

__

__

__“How did you know? About yourself.”_ _

__

__

__

__She makes thoughtful face, puffing her lips. “I had it easier than, for example, other gay girls I know. Nobody’s experience is the same, you know. I always liked boys, and then there were girls, too. Even in daycare.” She laughs, shaking her head. “So, I always knew, I think. Mel had it more difficult than I, she realized it when she was much older but, um, it isn’t my story to tell. What about you?”_ _

__

__

__

__“I just turned eighteen.” Isak blurts out. “This guy transferred to our school-”_ _

__

__

__

__“Classics.” Elyse clicks her tongue, making Isak laugh. “Sorry, continue.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Now that I think of it, there were many more people who made me question things but I think I just didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want to see it. And only when I met him I realized I can’t fight it.”_ _

__

__

__

__“You shouldn’t.” She catches him by the hand and squeezes it. “It’s actually a very beautiful thing, you know that, right?”_ _

__

__

__

__For Isak, the past year was the year of changing. Or, in retrospect, the year of searching for the truth, finding and accepting it, trying to take care of himself but failing every single time. It was the year when he finally knew what kind of person he can be, at least when he is on his own._ _

__

__

__

__It was the year when he started listening and talking to himself because he was so sick of pretending. He still kept pretending though because it was the only thing he knew how to do. He knew what to expect from himself, how to behave, what things to say, gave this absurd control all the power over him. Fast enough it became that part of him he couln’t get rid of easily._ _

__

__

__

__It grew deep into his mind, his way of thinking, his routine. But he’s learning._ _

__

__

__

__He’s just tired of hiding and being scared, oh, he’s so tired. There’s no reason to be afraid anymore, really. These new people around him, they don’t know his story and honestly they never will. And the ones he cared about before stayed in the past, in the year of rebirth._ _

__

__

__

__So why should he keep himself from being happy?_ _

__

__

__

__Elyse cracks a hilarious joke right after and he can’t stop laughing – he wouldn’t let himself do it a year ago. It hits him when he realizes it was another genuine laugh, and it still feels so foreign.__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__***_ _

__

__

__

_  
_  
_  
_Another day in Even’s company and sometimes Isak honestly forgets he likes him._   
_   
_   
_

Like, when they discuss something and Isak is desperetly trying to prove his point, he forgets he likes Even. Because a fast thought, more important than anything else in that moment, manages to steal the thunder. And then Even would shake his head in disbelief, sweet dimples appear on his cheeks because he’s smiling- _then_ Isak remembers.

__

__

__

__Just like right now – Even shakes his head in amusement as they walk side by side. “Did you really not get what the movie is about?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Um.”_ _

__

__

__

__“But it’s so obvious!”_ _

__

__

__

__“Well, enlighten me, would you?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Okay. The man represents national tragedy, that’s why he works as an architect. Because architects manage to rebuilt things that were was broken, it's a metaphore of course, we never can get enough of those." Even enthusiastically talks with his hands as Isak watches him, enamored. "And the woman represents tragedy of one person and one person only, that’s why we are only hearing her story, because she’s letting us in while we know practically nothing about the man and his life.”_ _

__

__

__

__“That’s too complicated. So, can I understand it as how it's impossible that disaster on the scale of the Holocaust or, in this case Hiroshima, can ever be truly or entirely representable?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Yeah, that’s a part of the meaning, actually.” Even narrows his eyes, slowing down his steps. "Good observation."_ _

__

__

__

__“So I’m not that bad at this, then."_ _

__

__

__

__“I guess you’re not.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Too mysterious for me, though.” Isak lets out, fully stopping when Even does. Their ways should part here and it's about time to say goodbye._ _

__

__

__

__What Isak does next is his forever shame._ _

__

__

__

__Even is so close, his eyes shine so bright in the dark and Isak can’t look away. He’s hypnotized, spell bounded. Pink from cold summer night air on Even’s cheek don’t make it any easier. And the thing Even said a few weeks ago about how you will never know until you try it, makes Isak feel dizzy._ _

__

__

__

__Isak has been living in the state of not knowing, just going with the flow for too long. It’s not like he’s giving it up, he doesn’t think _at all_ when he kisses Even._ _

__

__

__

__Isak stops him by firm hold on Even’s upper arm with his one hand, cups his face with the other and just. Kisses him._ _

__

__

__

Yeah, he wasn’t thinking at all because he would totally remember that Even is straight. That Even is his _friend._ He is reminded of that when Even doesn’t answer his kiss.

__

__

__

__Terrified, Isak jumps back as if he was burnt._ _

__

__

__

__“Shit,” he blurts out, covering his mouth with his hand. “I’m so sorry Even. I’m so sorry.”_ _

__

__

__

__With that, he makes a few fast steps back but Even catches him by the wrist. “Wait, Isak. It’s okay.”_ _

__

__

__

__Fiercely shaking his head, Isak tries to get out of Even’s grip, shame flooding him from head to toe. “I’m- I understand if you hate me. I’m sorry. Please, forget about it.”_ _

__

__

__

__Even tightens his grip, only a little, but Isak is scared to look up at him. He has never felt more vulnerable and ashamed as he does now, right in this minute._ _

__

__

__

__“Isak, stop apologizing. I don’t hate you, I said it’s okay.”_ _

__

__

__

__“No, it’s not,” Isak spits out. “God, I’m so stupid.”_ _

__

__

__

What the hell, Isak? Everything you touch, it burns because of _you_. You thought there is an unknown fault in your life you had to fix, but the only fault in your life is _you._

__

__

__

__He shuts his eyes and when Even lets go of his arm, Isak is fast to make as more distance between them as possible. His worst fears are falling down on him, burying him alive when Even doesn’t follow him as Isak walks away._ _

__

__

__

__At home – he barely makes to his room before his legs become cotton – he falls right on the floor._ _

__

__

__

__When he thought that things actually got better, when he actually started to feel more comfortable with himself, when opening up stopped being that scary, terrifying thing, he had to ruin everything. He was just fooling himself, making himself believing he's better now._ _

__

__

__

__What if Isak, at heart, does not want to be happy? It’s not that he wants to be miserable, he is just afraid that if he tries to be happy, he’ll fail, again. Just like all his other lifelong dreams. So, he chooses to sabotage himself._ _

__

__

__

__If he faced his eight-years-old self, what would he say?_ _

__

__

__

__One simple thought of it makes him start bawling his eyes out. It shouldn’t be like this, how did it end up like this? Where did he make a mistake?_ _

__

__

__

__He kissed Even. This is a thing he can’t just sleep off and decide what to do in the morning. This is something that has consequences. He just made himself lose a friend on purpose._ _

__

__

__

__And it hurts, why does it hurt all the damn time? Even when he forgets about it, it always is there to come back. He never has a break, not really, it just keeps and keeps crushing down on him. How is he managing to take all this pain at all, how didn’t he break yet? How much is there to this?_ _

__

__

__

  
  


__From: Even  
_Hey_  
_Are you home safe?__ _

  
  


__

__

__

__Isak just stares at his phone screen as if he waits for it to blow up. He decides not to answer anything because he doesn’t have anything to say. Again. Well, he does, but it probably isn’t what Even would want to hear._ _

__

__

__

__Sorry for ruining our friendship? Sorry for being so stupid? Sorry, stop texting me?_ _

__

__

__

All he does, all he _is_ , it all just annoys him.

__

__

__

__So, he doesn’t text back. Turns off his phone because it’s the best thing he can do right now.__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__***_ _

__

__

__

_  
_  
_  
_Friday_   
_   
_   
_

__3 Unread Messages From: Even  
_…and now you’re avoiding me_  
_I swear it’s alright_  
_Nothing changed__ _

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__Saturday_ _

__

__

__

__3 Unread Messages From: Even  
_Please, Isak. Talk to me_  
_I know you asked me to forget about it_  
_but I promise it doesn’t have to change anything between us_  
_Okay?__ _

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__Sunday_ _

__

__

__

__1 Missed call From: Mom_ _

__

__

__

__2 Unread Messages From: Elyse  
_Hello baby_  
_Do you know the club Mel works at?_  
_It’s private party there next Friday. You’re invited!__ _

__

__

__

__3 Unread Messages From: Even_  
_I want you to know that_  
_I’m here when you’re ready_  
_Always__

__

__

__

__

__

__Tuesday_ _

__

__Unread Message From: Even  
_I miss you__ _

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal thoughts  
> TW: Panic Attack  
> they go one after the other and both are marked with ### at the beginning and at the end.  
> disclaimer: i wrote the panic attack the way i exprience it, but if i offended anyone with that sequence, please let me know.
> 
> again, take care. i love you


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little heads up, the beginning might be a bit heavy but it's blink and you'll miss it.  
> again, i'm terribly sorry for my mistakes!! 
> 
> well, this is the end ❤  
> thank you everyone who reads and comments, you're the best!

What is the point?

What is the point in lying in bed, again, with no desire to stand up and go about your day? What is the point in even waking up- it’s crazy how hurt can squeeze you from inside and nothing helps anymore.

Isak isn’t sure about anything these days. It’s like – here’s your life and you live it. You do things you like and don’t like, you worry about something, you have this mindset chip of _I have to do this_ and _I have to do that_. 

You have to? No, you don’t. Nobody needs it, including you. The point is that there’s no point at all.

Still, Isak would rather feel completely numb right now.

Just accept it because it’s inevitable.

Embarrassment, guilt, misery – it’s all getting boring now. How does Isak peel off that sticky band-aid of feeling that envelops him, consumes him, becomes a part of him with every passing day?

If Isak keeps his eyes shut, it’s almost like the whole world can’t see him and all his dumb mistakes. He would love to be invisible, after everything he has ever done.

It just happens that he causes disasters everywhere he goes; he couldn’t be there for his mom when she needed it the most, he was an awful friend to those who cared about him, finally, he kissed Even.

What is the point in him still being around?

Isak is thinking about him and that night so often it stopped feeling like a real thing a few days ago.

Isak raises his arms in the air and watches fingers move. It’s a proof he exists, in his flesh he sees in front of himself and in _I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am_ , and there is going to be a day when he will be no longer here. He will be gone, eventually, and he wonders why he thinks about it so much. Because if you think about something, it means you _care_ , in a way, but Isak wants to stop caring, stop feeling as if he’s dying in agony that never seems to end.

Part of him knows he made it all up in his head, but realizing doesn’t make it stop.

It _has_ to end, it can’t go on like this. Is it supposed to feel like this? When nothing is right, when you are the one to blame for it, does it ever end? Isak doesn’t know what to do with it because fixing only caused even more damage before.

He wants to scream at the top of his lungs, but he can’t – instead, he clenches hands into fists and- _almost_ hits himself in upper-arm. 

He used to do it when he was younger, in a way of punishing himself for something. Tears would sting his eyes even more than before, but at least he would find a way to feel something else. Focusing on the unpleasant pulsations in the arm, he would breathe out, shaking. No bruises, but the burn would be there – just like something he needed. He had to put his anger somewhere without destroying things around him because he had enough of that. It didn’t really matter if his punishment landed on something that wasn’t meant to be fixed anymore.

This time, he doesn’t do anything; his arm falls flat on his stomach as eyes stay closed.

And then, he’s so angry at himself for feeling so sorry for himself, because the world doesn’t revolve around him. By pitying yourself you won’t achieve anything, it only makes you weaker.

Isak’s train of thoughts is interrupted by the doorbell, which makes him finally leave his bed. Too bad Alex isn’t home to open the door, Isak would rather not to face anyone right now, especially not in this state he’s been for this past week.

At the door, he meets Melissa, out of all people. She stares at him for a moment, heavy shopper bag hanging of her shoulder, gaze distant and maybe a little bit irritated. 

“Hi,” Isak says, unsure. He has no idea how she got his address. 

To be honest, he was always intimidated by her. Just the way she _is_ lets Isak know she would kick him in the balls if she had to. Right now, the fact they never had a real bonding moment isn’t helping either. 

He knows right away what she’s doing here, standing at the door of his apartment. He isn’t stupid.

“Hey.” The reply is cold. She raises her eyebrows. “Can I come in?”

“Sure,” frowning, Isak steps back. “Do you want me to get you anything? Coffee, tea? Water?” Making a step to close the door behind her, he shifts from on foot to another. “Can I ask, why are you here?”

“What is your deal?” Mel asks upfront when Isak least expect it – he almost tips over and falls on the spot.

“Huh?” the blood in his veins runs cold, it can only mean one thing. “What do you mean?”

_Don’t play dumb. You know what she means._

He’s such an asshole. 

“What is your deal with Even?” 

The longer his mouth stays shut, the more guilt he feels. But words just won’t come out, he has nothing to say. It will be pointless anyway.

“First you kiss him, then you disappear. You just ignore everyone but turns out you’re alive and well.”

“How-”

She reads his mind. “I was smart enough to connect the dots when I managed to get Even to talk after _days_ of him sulking. He just said a close friend of his kissed him. What’s going on, Isak?”

“I- I’m sorry,” he manages. He knows his words don’t mean a thing. 

“I don’t care about your apologies.” Mel lets out a frustrated groan, rolling her eyes. “It’s not me who you need be apologizing to anyway. All I know is that you fucked with my brother and my girlfriend; don’t expect I’m going to take bullshit from you.” She stops, not once blinking staring into his eyes. She shakes her head as she chuckles. “But they care about you, you know? They are sick worried. Even is on a ragged edge thinking whether he should give you space or reach out, Elyse is just sad all the time.” She sighs and her shoulders fall in surrender. Biting her bottom lip, she shrugs. “ _You_ made them feel that way.”

Isak always knew it was only a matter of time when he finally does something incredibly selfish and stupid that’s going to hurt people he loves. He’s a shitty friend, he knows it. He always has been – shouldn’t have gotten so close to them. But he did, and hearing he is the reason Even and Elyse are unhappy makes his heart break in pieces right on the spot. The thought of them hurting because of him – he’s a monster. 

It’s okay if he’s bound to suffer forever, but he makes other miserable, too.

“I didn’t know that.” Isak chokes, looking up from the ground like a child who’s just been scolded. All he wants right now is to hide, to disappear, for real this time. “I’m really sorry.”

After a few moments, Mel calms down a little. “Look, I like you. When I first met you I thought, what a nice dude. But now you are acting like an asshole all of a sudden. Get your shit together and talk to your friends, better sooner than later.”

With that, she unhesitatingly heads to the opened door – it’s when Isak hears himself say:

“I- I really like him. Even, I mean. I do.” Isak’s heart squeezes from how hard these words are to say. “It’s irrational, I knows that, but,-” it is still there, inside his head, he doesn’t say.

Mel stops in her tracks and turns around, shrugging, one plain question in her eyes. He recognizes pleading, familiar exhaustion in her eyes. “What do you expect me to say to that? Congrats?”

Isak has no idea. He has no idea why he’s saying it to her either. What’s the point, right? What was started should be finished, he decides. Emotions are filled to the brim; he _has_ to put them somewhere.

Biting his lip, Isak groans, covering his face with his hands. Presses fingers to the temples, catches Mel’s attentive gaze with his and lets everything go. 

“It’s stupid. Every time I liked someone, I never knew them beforehand. I saw them once, twice and somehow it was enough to fire up something inside me, but every time I actually was able to get to know them, the idea, the picture of them I had in my head would just… crash inevitably. Because I made it all up. And reality is never how you expect it to be, so.” Isak stops himself, looking away from her, too lost in his own emotions. “And with Even, I’ve known him for a while. Like, I know him, not all of him, of course, but we hang out, right? And until one particular moment it never occurred to me before. That I might like him.”

Isak whispers the last sentence as his stomach sinks deeper and deeper. Mel doesn’t answer anything, and Isak doesn’t even notice it. He smiles – it’s small, but also tender and sweet, caused by the memory of Even’s laugh, Even’s voice, just _Even_.

“And it’s always good with him, you know? For such a long time I was stuck with all those vicious words in my head.” He brings his palms close to his temples but doesn’t touch them. “I wanted to get over them so bad that I made myself believe that I did but – the truth is, I didn’t. Then came anger and the unstoppable urge to achieve justice. With Even, I don’t think about those stuff. I know it’s wrong, and irrational, that he makes me feel better. I just don’t want to burden him with having me being in love with him.”

“I think it’s Even who should have heard what you just said.” Mel simply says, the tone of her voice slightly softened. Before she finally leaves, she adds. “As you said yourself, reality isn’t the way you expect it to be. Check your damn phone.”

*** 

Legs don’t want to listen to him, he’s _worn out_ \- yet, he pushes himself anyway.

Once upon a time running thing worked; it helped him to sort out the thoughts, and Isak hopes this time it will work, too.

Alex gave him a very weird look this afternoon, noticing Isak wearing sport shorts and old ugly Nikes but didn’t say anything. Yeah, it didn’t look like Isak at all this past year. 

Isak is a mess, you don’t need to tell him that. He knows it and somehow, the tiresome thought of it is stained in his head fully and irrevocably now and he accepted it.

He’s a mess and he has no idea what to do with it or where even to start – if only someone could tell him what are his options. And then, he realizes he wouldn’t listen to anyone anyway. That’s the way he is, stubborn and uncompromising; Isak is so self-centered, he only cares about what _he_ feels or thinks.

Isak tries to gather all his emotions at once and give them a rest. Let them go, maybe, if he’s lucky. It is a losing battle but it is worth trying anyway, because someone once said to him _you will never know until you try._

Not the right time for remembering what Even has or hasn’t said, but Isak can’t help it – he’s too far gone in deep. It brings up small, hesitant smile on his lips even though nobody is there to witness it. 

Constant replaying the same old melody of how he regrets kissing Even overlapped the thought of how nice it would be if Even answered the kiss. Sure, Isak could handle everything better and still, he can’t help but think of kissing him again.

Who would have thought, but thinking of Even calms him down. Just like thinking of everything that they have shared and how Even was nothing but understanding, and sweet, and kind to him, even that night. But maybe Isak simply doesn’t want to see Even’s negative sides, because – surprise – but nobody’s perfect.

Isak struggles to think of what might annoy him in Even and yeah, sometimes Even is too loud, sometimes he talks over people in heated conversations because he’s stubborn as hell and yes, he’s more of a voice massage type of guy but, you know, it’s not that deep. The last one even works in Isak’s favor now that he thinks of it. 

Clearly, it’s all because Isak doesn’t know Even that well, that’s why he doesn’t consider Even annoying. Maybe these tender, lovely feelings Isak has for him will be gone at some point, maybe Even is going to open up in a completely different light but it’s a _maybe_ , that’s the thing. Isak can’t stop the way he feels _right now_.

You may have control over _how_ you express your emotions, but no control over having them or not. 

There are too many shades of what Isak is feeling in general, so that gathering all emotions thing doesn’t work, of course – he’s too conflicted, doesn’t know what’s better and what’s worse.

He wants his life to be meaningful. He wants to _mean_ something. He wants to do something important but time goes on and he’s still where he was. Nothing changes, time flies and every new day brings him closer to the end. 

He wants to wake up in the morning and have a purpose, a plan, or at least some sort of understanding what he has to do. He doesn’t have anything from the above, and the saddest part in all this is that he knows that if he knew he has only one year, only one month, only one week left to live, it probably wouldn’t change.

And Isak hates it.

When you think that nothing can be worse that what you already have, you’re wrong. It can be much, much worse, and Isak learned it hard way. The least he can do is to accept that not so gentle kick in the ass and _do something already._

He might regret it later as well. He’s so used to it though by now that it doesn’t really terrify him anymore. Sure, it still makes him anxious but it doesn’t terrify him.

This should be a win, right?

He should try that yoga-slash-meditation next, Elyse never seems to shut up about it. Who knows, maybe that stupid thing will work for him, too. Anything to stop feeling so bad about everything that is happening.

He keeps his gaze straight ahead, concentrating on his breathing, and the fog inside his mind starts to dissolve. He’ll get there. Let’s have this race as it is, but make it equal because no matter how bad it is for him these days, he can find points to prove it is worth a try.

_Because you will never know until you try._

One, it feels like he’s been clasping onto that last straw for years now and he’s tired of not feeling the ground of under his feet. Isak is willing to give it a shot and figure it out, he’s actually fed up with falling down the rabbit hole of torture and madness.

Two, he remembers his mom say _when you’re older, you’re going to think about things you had done, not the opportunities you had missed._

And three, well. He loves Even. And love, it’s always selfish whether you want it or not. You might genuinely not expect from the other person to feel the same and take whatever they are willing to give you, but you still hope a possibility is there somewhere. Because hope dies last.

*** 

Isak hears his blood whir in his ears as he stands in front of three-floor gray building; the sign on the door saying _Lil Picasso._

The place Even works at. The name is very funny – makes Isak chuckle.

It’s chilly in the morning, just a bit past ten – Isak himself was surprised he woke up so early, but jittering in his stomach couldn’t wait any longer. He does this and then he’ll see. At least he gets to see Even one more time.

He’s here mostly because he did, in fact, check his phone. He would do it eventually anyway, but Melissa was too convincing. It’s been exactly three days since the afternoon she barged into his apartment and tried to talk sense into him.

Isak doesn’t even know if Even works today, he only knows he always has work in the morning, so Isak has nothing better than flying blind.

As Isak steps inside, it suddenly becomes very, very real, not in his head anymore.

A young woman at the reception desk, dark blonde hair in a bun and a restrained smile on her lips as she greets him.

Shifting his weight from one foot to another, Isak grimaces uncomfortably, “I’m looking for Even? Even Bech Næsheim?”

“Oh, yes,” her smile grows a little, and it makes small wrinkles at the corner of her eyes appear. “He’s preparing for the class right now.”

Isak looks around the common room – it’s a vast room with small green couches in the corners, colorful silly drawings on the board on his left and dozens of tiny pairs of shoes spread all over the carpet. It’s a nice, open, bright but to a certain extent, space where kids can feel themselves comfortable. Isak is sure he would love it as a little kid.

Licking his lips, Isak draws his eyes back to the girl, “Is there a chance I can talk to him?”

Before the girl at the desk can say anything, first Isak registers heavy step from the corridor, then a very familiar voice:

“Hey, Sasha, I think we need to inform Mr. Neumann we are running out of watercolor paper and–”

Even stumbles on his words before Isak has time to turn around to finally look at him.

Days of making himself believe he’s better off without Even crash right on the spot. It’s all gone, how can it not be gone when Even looks _so good_ with blue paint spread on his neck and hair in holy mess. God, Isak missed him so much.

One, two second pass and Even drops the huge box he was carrying, bunch of pencils, crayons and markers fall all over the floor.

Even stands there, confused and conflicted between Isak and those pencils on the moss green carpet. He doesn’t dare to blink, as if he closes his eyes Isak is going to disappear.

Isak’s brain works faster this time, so he makes a few steps closer, squats down and starts putting all the items back in the box.

Still clearly stunned, Even slowly copies him, so he’s at the same level with Isak. 

“Hi,” Even whispers in a shaky breath, quiet and relieved. He keeps looking at him as Isak continues to gather the pencils, and all Isak dares to do is to throw quick glances at him every two seconds.

What does he say now? There’s so much he needs to tell him.

“Sorry for startling you,” is just as quiet as was Even’s hello. Head down at first, but then – he promised he is done with these stuff. He needs to own up for everything, so he decisively locks his eyes with Even and swears to himself to never let go.

“It’s actually you.” Even says not daring to break their eye contact. It could make Isak feel uncomfortable, but somehow it doesn’t, it’s different and Even seems so sincere Isak’s heart skips a beat. “I thought I made you up.”

It’s so sad and so nice at the same time Isak doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry I didn’t warn you before showing up at your workplace,” and from here, it keeps going. “I’m sorry for ignoring your massages. I’ve read them a few days ago. I’m sorry I was not in the state to text back. And I’m sorry for–”

“Before you say something stupid,” Even interrupts his as if he knows what has to follow next. Maybe he _can_ read Isak’s mind. “Like apologize again,” the tone of his voice steady and deep, just as Isak remembers it. “I’m really happy to see you, Isak.”

“Yeah?” it comes out high pitched and hushed Isak is embarrassed of himself immediately. 

“Yeah,” Even nods with so much confidence Isak hates himself for not talking to him sooner. Even smiles then, and Isak feels his toes tingle.

With not so much to do, because he seems to pick up all the pencils and put them back in the box, Isak lifts it and stands up, Even follows.

“I actually came to talk.”

“I figured,” Even turns away only to get a look at the clock behind him. “But I have class right now.” 

“I know. I can wait.”

They’ve been staring at each other for probably minutes when a polite cough from behind them startles them both. “Even, you can’t leave kids on their own for so long.”

Shaking his head to shake off his thoughts, Even’s eyes dance from Isak to Sasha and back. “Right.” He takes the box from Isak and almost makes a step back but nods. “You can join. If you want.”

Instead of Isak, Sasha speaks up. “Even, no strangers in classes with children. You know the rules.”

“Isak is not a stranger.” Licking his bottom lip, Even changes the tone of his voice from stern to annoyed.

“But-”

“It’s alright, Sasha. I asked him to come today, I need him for today’s master class,” Even pushes once more, and Isak’s eyes widen at Even’s lie, at realization he does it for _him._ Sasha doesn’t seem convinced but she probably figured out what this is all about and doesn’t object. 

“Why?” Isak mouths, amused, as they make their way to the right classroom.

“I just-” Even shrugs, pieces of confidence crumbling before Isak’s eyes. Low, soft voice, “I don’t want to let you go this time.”

\---

“I think she likes you,” Even whispers as he sits right in front of Isak on a wood chair that is definitely not meant for adults, but their knees touch and Even has no intentions of moving away. Feels nice.

This little girl has been watching Isak shyly for fifteen minutes already and after Even came up to her and whispered something in her ear she laughed bashfully and brought Isak her drawing – nothing extraordinary, some anatomically incorrect drawn animals and- _trees?_ Yeah, Isak thinks those are trees.

“The hell?” He yell-whispers. Luckily for him, no kid pays attention.

Raising his eyebrows, Even smiles. “Language, young man.”

“This is weird.” He exhales still holding the sheet of paper. Looking for understanding in Even’s eyes he doesn’t really find any. Instead, Even leans even closer – just a bit – biting the tip of his tongue.

“Isak,” tilt of his head, in a judging-teasing way. Isak isn’t sure how to feel about it yet. “She’s seven. It’s adorable.”

“Is it?”

“It’s innocent.” Even insists, playful glints in his eyes shine even brighter.

“If it helps you sleep at night.”

“You’re making a big deal out of something that is absolutely harmless.”

“How is it possible? With little kids like that, I mean.” He shrugs, frowning. Really, the hell is going on? 

“How she can like you, or what? I thought you were the phycology genius here.”

“Yeah- I mean, I don’t know how it works with kids, okay? She can’t actually like me.”

At first, Even doesn’t say anything, just looks at Isak expectedly, but then- an exaggerated sigh. “Of course she can’t actually like you, Isak. Not in the way you understand it.”

“And _you_ know how I understand it?”

“I might have a pretty good idea.” Even says, and it’s quieter and somehow more serious than their previous banter. 

So much for imagining things, Isak. 

On spur of moment, a little boy with blond hair comes running to them and sputters, “Even! If we finish earlier, can we play again today?”

Basically, this is how they find themselves on the floor of the big art room in a circle half an hour later, finishing the fourth round of The Telephone game and Isak is surprised it keeps going actually funny. Not that he would want to repeat the experience, but it’s not as bad as he imagined. These little kids may be hilarious without even realizing it.

Still, Even probably noticed Isak is getting bored, so he calms everyone down – manages to succeed in less than two minutes and Isak is honestly impressed – and offers Two truths and a Lie. 

With his one raised eyebrow, Isak looks at him skeptically and mouths, “Seriously?”

Kids at this age are going to say something like “I’m actually a robot” or “I saw a fairy once” and won’t even consider it a lie.

Even only grins and winks at him – or better to say tries to wink, but he’s still adorable while doing so – Isak is only human, okay?

“Let our new member start,” Even says with that playful mirth in his eyes. This is one of those times when Isak would groan and start complaining about how annoying Even is. He doesn’t. “Go ahead, Isak.”

This should be fun.

“Okay...” He doesn’t really think, says whatever comes to his mind first. “So, I’ve never seen the ocean,” Isak puts his thumb down. And then quickly other two fingers, eyes locked with Even’s. “I didn’t have breakfast this morning and- I like boys.”

He expects silence or confusion from the kids but it doesn’t happen, just as soon he says it he hears a boy exclaim:

“Easy! The last one is a lie. Boys don’t like other boys!”

“But they do!” another kid argues. Isak would love to intrude, but he’s busy talking to Even with his eyes. Even doesn’t blink and doesn’t look away, his whole posture softens as he leans forward with his elbows on his knees looking– proud? Happy?

“They do?” Isak acknowledges the boy ask, looking very confused.

“Yeah,” Isak simply nods at him. “They do.”

\---

“We really need to talk.” Isak states once they step out of the building.

He spent the last two hours with Even and his little students doing the silliest things in the world and he never imagined it could bring so much joy to him.

“I know.” Even stops right in front of him and he’s so, so close Isak doesn’t know how he manages to keep his cool. “Can I hug you first?”

It isn’t clear who leans first but as soon as he feels Even’s deep breath next to his ear and strong arms on his back, the world stops.

Seriously. Isak just a little strengthens his hold on the small of Even’s back and it’s when Even catches his breath.

In these months they have known each other, the never really hugged – sometimes to greet each other, sure, but it was never like… _this_. Not even close.

This embrace brings something new, something Isak probably knows the meaning of, but is so afraid to scare it off. Even’s fingertips press lightly into his shoulder blades and even through the clothes, Isak’s skin tingles. 

Even’s arms around him feel insanely nice. And here Isak was thinking he had lost everything for good.

Pulling away – not too far – Even wraps his fingers around Isak’s wrist, and tugs it a little.

\---

The café is busy enough for Isak to start anxiously looking around for no particular reason. Smell of orange, cackling of juicier floods the air around him and Isak is desperately trying to find comfort in what he’s feeling right now.

Even sits in front of Isak for the second time today – but only now he’s too far away, a loss, – and places a cup in front of him.

Isak’s first though is to thank him, but then- 

Why? Why all this? Can someone explain him? 

Reading his confused expression, Even adds. “I know coffee because makes you too excited and anxious and you don’t drink tea at all, so cocoa was my only option.”

“Why are you so fucking nice all the time? It would be so much easier if you were just mad at me.” Isak blurts out more to himself than to anyone else.

Even snorts in a funny way, with hands on the table in front of him. As if he can’t believe Isak is still hung up on it.

“I thought we have established that I’m not mad at you, Isak.”

“But why?” Isak whispers terrified of possible answers. He goes from clenching his fists on his knees to folding his arms and clinging onto his shoulders with his fingers. 

“Because,” Even ducks his head, struggling with words. His hands fly up to his face and he covers his eyes for a second – and then they’re back down. Isak has never seen Even so nervous. “That kiss, Isak. It’s all I can think about. That kiss, you, and how nice it would be if I was brave enough to kiss you back.”

“What?” 

Is he dreaming now?

He leans forward, putting his hands on the table.

Even mimics him, leaning closer, and takes Isak by the hand with his two, squeezes it gently and doesn’t let go. Even’s shy, soft smile makes Isak’s stomach do backflips. Even’s head jolts; then another squeeze of his fingers and pleading, tired voice. “Do you really need me to say it?”

Isak is too in shock to answer, he wants to say something, anything, but words are stuck in his throat and he can’t do anything about it. He finds strength to squeeze Even’s hands back though.

“For the first couple of days I was- confused.” Even starts, biting his lip. “But you continued to avoid me and I wanted to give you space… Actually, I think I needed a room to think, too. And Isak, I can’t go to sleep without thinking about you.” 

“Please tell me I’m reading this right.”

Even laughs, his eyes almost disappearing.

“I don’t know how you can read this wrong.” He just shrugs; now his smile is so wide Isak can’t help but to smile too. “I was wondering, what does it mean? I know like girls, I always have. I just have never been kissed by a boy before and then- Then there were you.”

Oh. Isak is so stupid.

“I like you, Isak.” Even says, voice low, and Isak has never witnessed so much sincerity and seriousness before. “I didn’t know I could but I do.”

Isak face suddenly softens with abrupt tenderness and understanding.

“I’m sorry, I should have been there for you, I’m-”

“Isak, stop apologizing. There is literally no reason for it. And I talked to Mel, eventually. It’s okay.”

“Oh, right. You talked to Mel.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Uh- She’s one of the main reason I came to see you today.” Isak suffers himself to smile.

“What did she do?” Even deadpans, fear written on his face.

Isak is almost shaking, he wants to laugh- this is so absurd. “Nothing, I’ll just say she was very convincing.”

“Oh my god, I’m sorry. I know she can be really harsh sometimes-”

“It’s okay. She was worried about you.” Isak softly says, tilting his head. “And I’m here now, aren’t I?” 

Maintaining an eye contact was always something uncomfortable for Isak, he usually feels weird and maybe even embarrassed. Now, though, with Even, it’s nice. Because neither of them know what to say next and they chuckle at themselves, eventually, but in an easy, lighthearted way. 

“We can take things slow.” Then in a hurry with flustered expression Even adds. “If you, you know, want me.”

“I do.” Isak is quick to answer, he bashfully looks away feeling his cheeks hit up. “I was so scared of losing you as a friend.”

“You won’t. I promise.”

Even kisses his knuckles right there and then, carefully holding Isak’s hand, brings it closer to his lips, soft touch makes Isak’s skin tingle and heart stuck in his throat – and Isak looks around immediately, more on autopilot than anything else, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Even.

It’s so easy for him, this gesture of affection, Isak’s thoughts twist in quick jealousy.

“Sorry,” Even straightens up. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s-,” Isak shakily breathes out. “I’m trying to fight this for a really long time now. I want to tell you about it but-”

“It’s a long story?”

“Yeah.” Isak just nods.

“We have time.”

And Isak believes him.

*** 

“You’re so beautiful.”

It’s what Isak hears at the same time as he feels fingertips tap his eyebrow lightly. These past few days feel like froth on the daydream.

“Stop.” Isak murmurs, hiding his face in the pillow. Although, curiosity is strong enough for him to peek through half-open eye.

“What? You don’t like it?” Even murmurs.

“I feel like I’m still dreaming. Waking up next to you for several days in a row, doesn’t seem real.” 

“Oh honey.” Gently, Even rubs Isak’s cheek and pushes his hair back off his face.

“What your parents are even thinking?”

“They know I’m a big boy.” Even licks his lips as Isak snorts.

“This is too good. You’re too good,” Isak breathes out in that raspy, lazy voice placing a small kiss on the inside of Even’s palm.

“I’m really not. But if you say so.”

After that, Isak supports himself of elbows, and throws his right leg over Even’s torso, falling on top of him. Not expecting this at all, Even puffs and already opens his mouth to say something to accuse Isak in such dishonest move but Isak beats him to it and puts his mouth on his. Kissing him slowly at first but steadily picking up the pace as if the world has stopped and every single sensation means more than anything else. Even is surprised by this as well, his eyebrows shoot up, but he adjusts and puts his arms under Isak’s t-shirt just because he can now and lets him lead the way.

They have been walking the streets all day the day they made up – just talking and smiling at each other. It was, in fact, a little awkward – not in a bad way, though; they were just getting used to this new thing between them. 

Walking Isak home, Even seemed jittery and nervous, and when they reached Isak’s flat share, Even caught him by the hand, pulled him closer and kissed him, for real that time. Carefully, trying not to scare him off, giving him a way out before placing one long kiss on his mouth.

And Isak wished a simple kiss could fix everything. But Even’s lips were on his, and every movement echoed in his whole body, and then there were Even’s warm fingers on his cheeks, cupping his face gently, and Isak felt like he was falling, again and again.

Isak couldn’t believe how natural it felt, as well as _wanna come upstairs?_ that came out of his mouth in shaky whisper later.

“Are you sure?” Even smiled in that teasing way, making Isak roll his eyes. “I meant it when I said we can take things slow.”

“I know,” Isak from a few months back would probably get embarrassed and weirded out. “I didn’t mean it like that though.” Hands on Even’s neck, fingertips pressing lightly into his skin. “I just- I really want to be with you right now.”

Lending Even his clothes and talking geeky stuff with him turned out two other natural things, about how Tobey Maguire is the only true Spider Man and how annoying Kirsten Dunst is in those movies. Even exaggerates fake offense and promises he’ll make Isak watch _Melancholia_ to change his mind about her. Isak doubts it’s possible but doesn’t protest.

Now, forehead to forehead, in the small space between them, Even softly says, “I still think about that night you kissed me for the first time.”

“Feels like ages ago. What about it?” Isak murmurs nuzzling Even’s nose.

“I think about how I should have followed you and be there for you. You looked so terrified and I- I did nothing. I’m sorry.”

“You told me that already. Don’t apologize.”

“But-”

“Listen, Even,” pulling away, Isak weights himself on his elbows over Even as he stares in his eyes, not blinking. “I wouldn’t let you follow me. You know that.”

“I still should have tried to-”

“No,” he cuts him off, placing one, two sweet kisses on the corner of his mouth, caressing his jaw. “’Look at where we are now.”

“I also think of how dumb it was not to kiss you back.”

“Well. Good thing you can make up for it now. Will you?”

“Gladly.”

\---

Later, in the kitchen Isak stands close to him as Even tries to surprise with more or less healthy option of breakfast.

It’s sort of a ritual by now. They wake up together, they have breakfast together, Even leaves for work and his other business while Isak goes about his own day but in evening Even comes back and they fall into sync together again. As if they’ve done it for years now.

It’s past eleven and Isak watches Even, still very much sleepy and adorable with his fringe down in _Isak’s_ kitchen, in Isak’s clothes, cooking for _him_ ; how has he ended up here, remind him, pretty please?

“I really should keep you if it means you cooking for me all the time.” Isak giggles – honestly, he smiled so much in a span of a few days, he can’t believe it.

“All the time, huh?” in an exaggerated surprise, with raised brows Even continues maneuvering around the kitchen. “I don’t recall agreeing to that.”

“You know you have to read through important contracts very carefully, right? Especially what is written in the tiniest font at the bottom?”

“Are you trying to say you can’t cook?” 

Still feeling light about the whole thing, Isak gathers all the courage to open up even more. “I can. I’ve lived on my own since I was sixteen. I just don’t like it.”

“Yeah. I remember that,” Even’s expression softens then, as if he was reminded about something he genuinely forgot. 

“It’s my birthday next week.” Isak casually says then after a couple of minutes of comfortable yet unfamiliar silence. “If I were you I would already start planning the present,” he shamelessly flirts. Even beams and plays his brows, and it’s still weird, a good weird, to talk to Even like that and receive the same. Even in his dreams Isak never imagined something like this. Then, a slight change in Isak’s posture and tone of his voice. “I’m kidding about the present.”

“Oh no.” Even shakes his head, turning off the stove. Approaching Isak, he puts his hands on the counter from Isak’s both sides cornering him in result. “I’m gonna get you the bestest present.”

“The _bestest?_ Are you for real now?”

“I am.” Even confirms with a nod, clearly pleased with himself. 

“Dork.” Rolling his eyes, Isak puts his hands on Even’s shoulders, his fingers clutching into Even’s skin maybe too hard. They slide down to Even’s shoulder blades as Even’s lips ghost over his. “Just- no surprises? Please.”

“Got it.”

Every time Even puts his mouth on his, Isak is reminded how nice it is, he wants more, and more – Isak can never get enough, to be honest. 

In what turned now into making out session, Isak buries his hands in Even’s hair as Even’s hand slowly slip from the counter to Isak’s hip, then, Even touches his stomach; at some point his hand drifts even lower.

“Woah,” chuckling Isak pulls away and wraps his hand around Even’s wrist, suddenly feeling all hot over. 

Even only unambiguously winks, not removing his hand from where it is. He’s definitely going to be the death of him, Isak thinks.

Isak register Alex’s voice a bit too late. Surprised, Isak and Even both jump, kicking empty pots and pans from the counter on the floor. “Good mooorn- Woah! Sorry.” By the tone of Alex’s voice, he sounds genuine.

“Oops,” Isak lets out and laughs awkwardly watching Even pick up the items and put them back in place. “Good morning?”

“Hey, Even,” Alex nods at him and Even nods back a simple quiet _hey_ , and Isak’s brain clicks fast in _right, they’ve met before._

Alex knowingly gazes between them two, looking strangely smug. “Okay, I’ll grab something to eat on my way to work. Bye boys!” Then, he yells from hall. “You owe me, Valtersen.”

“I guess something like this could happen to anyone.” Isak shakes his head, grinning widely, not feeling bothered Alex knows now. Maybe it’s in the way Alex reacted or in Even right next to him but Isak doesn’t want to think about it.

“Your roommate is chill,” Even puts his hands on Isak waist, pulling him closer. 

“Yeah, he’s alright,” Isak whispers into Even’s mouth before kissing him again. He doesn’t tell him how it’s just a little bit embarrassing, because Isak has never walked on Alex – that way he could at least call it even – but now he has someone to split this embarrassment with, so Isak is good. It’s even funny, if he thinks of it. 

“Another minute and you’d get your own story of an interrupted orgasm,” Even teases biting his bottom lip as he watches Isak’s reaction closely. Even gets a light shove in his shoulder for that. 

But when Even takes him in his mouth later that day, Isak finally learns what bliss means.

*** 

Elyse

Hey  
I’m sorry for ignoring you

Are you okay?

I’m good  
I meant it though

Did something serious happen?

No  
Yes  
I guess I’m gonna need to talk to you in person

When? ;)

It’s my birthday in two days  
I don’t know for sure yet but  
Even said he can have the whole house  
for a small gathering this weekend

Count me in ❤

*** 

This is weird.

The last week of Isak’s life was indeed very… interesting but this is weird. And awkward and Isak can feel himself sweat a little.

He’s with Mel in her and Even’s parents kitchen as she helps him with pizza boxes and drinks for their small party – booze and soda – and he can cut the silence with a knife. 

How unfortunate it is that the first time they see each other again after _that_ encounter is his birthday. Still, throwing quick glances at her every few seconds shows him she isn’t comfortable with the situation either.

“Hey, Isak.”

His head shoots up so fast he’s surprised he doesn’t break his neck.

Mel is turned to him, leaning on the counter with her hip, arms crossed. “I wanted to say sorry. For the last time- I yelled at you and crossed the line. So, I’m sorry.”

“Okay.” Isak nods, pressing lips together. He didn’t have anything against her to be honest, she’s the reason he’s talking to everyone including Even again. “You don’t have to apologize but okay.”

“I’m not sorry for what I’ve said,” she ducks her head. “But I know how I said it and I didn't have to be so harsh on you.”

“You were worried about Even. I get it.” Shrugging, he returns to opening the last pizza box.

“Still. You must have been going through something and I didn’t know. It isn’t an excuse- I just don’t want you to think that I’m insensitive. Or that I’m some weird drama queen.” She rolls her eyes and waves her hand in the air.

“I would never,” he smiles at her and she returns it. A win. 

“So you and Even are good, I heard.” The smile on her face turns into teasing one. Isak doesn’t have it in himself to deny anything, he’s past that.

“Yeah. Amazing.”

“Good.”

A few minutes later, Mel leaves to open the door and it’s seconds until Elyse barges in, laughing loud and screaming, “ _Happy birthday, baby!_ ” jumps on his back- Isak has less than a second to react and catch her by the legs to save them both from falling. It’s futile, she can’t land on her feet very gracefully anyway, only managing to leave one wet smooch on his cheek he’s trying to wipe with fake exaggerated expression of disgust.

Isak didn’t tell her anything yet – mostly because she didn’t ask and Isak is annoyed at himself for being the way he is, again.

Also, he didn’t talk to Even about whether they tell their friends about them tonight. In these last few days, they have spent… enough of time together but somehow none of them mentioned their friends. 

Isak knows that he didn’t do it because it would make things real right away and he is kind of jealous of their precious little bubble they have created so far. He knows it’s a matter of time their friends find out but it scares him shitless nevertheless. Mel knows something, that’s for sure, but the rest- it’s stressful. Especially now, when Elyse is trying to make him agree to a blind date for ten minutes already.

Elyse, by the way, didn’t say anything to make him feel bad for ignoring her these past few weeks and Isak wonders why. Then, he thinks that maybe when you’re older, you stop excusing yourselves for things you do and expect the same from others. Even if you’re real tight with someone, you don’t have to share the story of your whole life with them, you learn about each other as you go. You are not in high school anymore, and if you have secrets or things you don’t want to talk about, you are not expected to share it.

This, Isak likes. In this, he finds comfort.

“Even, hey!” Elyse exclaims happily making Isak turn his head – and yes, there he is. Elyse hugs him when he approaches them and almost-yells in his ear. “I love you honey but I’m talking to Isak about something very personal.”

Isak is barely holding the laugh back at her trying his best not to look suspicious. 

“Whatever you want to say, you can say in front of him,” with a nod Isak softly says.

“I’m not sure-”

Isak raises his eyebrows at her and looks expectedly, silently confirming her guess, and takes a sip from his beer. 

“He told you?” she asks Even, still a little unsure.

“Told me what?” Even shrugs and Isak’s mind shoots with thoughts of how he looks extra cute tonight in that dark blue sweater.

Isak simply nods meeting with Elyse’s eyes again – still making every effort not to expose himself. Impressed, Elyse grins looking between them. “Well. Good for you. Okay. Isak, I repeat it for the third and final time, he’s exchange student from Argentina. Olive skin, brown eyes, simply gorgeous, a little bit of muscles. Just let me know and I’ll set you a date.”

Isak registers Even raise his brows in surprise but stay silent, standing closer to him than usual. Elyse doesn’t seem to notice anything.

“Thanks,” Isak nervously laughs. “That’s- very thoughtful of you and I’m flattered but I’m kind of trying something with someone already.” 

Saying it, Isak lock his eyes with Even for a brief second and it’s so hard not to give himself away.

His mind goes back to this afternoon when Even took him to the park and prepared a whole picnic by himself. Well, maybe it slipped that Even’s mom helped him to cook a few things - Even's mom knows, Isak relizes- but all in all, it was Even’s idea and it what matters to Isak the most. They were just lying there for hours on the blanket, with sun shining above them and trees rustle in their own language right next to them and Isak felt so sure, so certain holding Even’s hand, receiving sweet pecks all over his face from time to time. Twenty separate kisses for twenty years of his life.

“What? And you haven’t told me?” Elyse pouts.

If he didn’t know her, he would think she’s seriously offended but he knows she’s just like that, so he rolls his eyes and says:

“Should have I?” Isak sheepishly lifts his right shoulder. “It’s really new.”

“Oh. Okay.” Her expression softens and she squashes his cheek. “I’m so happy for you Isak. Tell me about him, do I know him?”

And here Isak is taken by surprise looking at Elyse with wide eyes not knowing what to tell her. Logically, he had to know this question will follow but he just didn’t think about it. He turns to look at Even but Even is already looking at him with expression just as unsure as Isak’s.

But – oh miracle – Mel calls for her from the living room and Elyse leaves with sorry smile telling him they’ll get back to this conversation.

Here they go. A conversation Isak was dreading to have although he knew it’s inevitable. 

“Do we-,” he starts, licking his lips. “-tell everyone tonight?”

“Do you want to?” Even asks, making a small step closer. “Or, more importantly, are you ready?”

“I don’t know.” Isak shrugs looking away in sudden yet familiar guilt and shame.

“That’s okay,” reaching out Even takes him by the hand. “I am when you are.”

And this is so sweet Isak’s heart can’t take it anymore.

“So, you’re _trying something with someone_?” Even says then changing the mood, voice low. Putting his hands around Isak’s middle, Isak’s hands fall on Even’s shoulders as Even pulls him closer. In his ear, Even whispers making Isak giggle. “And who that someone will be?”

“Oh, you might have seen him, actually.” Isak pulls away to watch him closely. “Tall, lanky. A bit snobby when it comes to movies.”

“He must be hot though, right?” with a raised eyebrow, he challenges Isak.

Isak barks a laugh at that, but then his face softens.

“Yeah,” Isak whispers. “Damn, he’s hot.”

Even looks away only to check if anyone is standing in the doorway, Isak’s quickly realizes _why_ he does it, and it makes him want to cry on the spot. Everything about Even is incredible. 

Isak cups Even’s face with both his hands and brings it closer, capturing Even’s bottom lip between his. One kiss grows into two, three- and stops with Mel’s loud _Isak, the boys are here_ and her walking in the kitchen. She’s quick to read the room and, though surprised, leave the kitchen without saying anything.

Even drops his head on Isak shoulder. “I won’t ever hear the end of this.”

“Why?” Isak laughs, carefully playing with Even’s hair.

“I’m going to need to prepare myself for her numerous jokes from now on.” He says looking bothered and maybe a little annoyed but not in a bad way. Siblings, right? “I’ve never told you this but before my mom started dating Mel’s dad, we almost moved to Oslo. They are the reason we stayed here.”

“Wow. It means we could have met earlier.”

“Imagine if we’ve met in high school.” Even beams at him as if it’s the best thing he could think of.

“And how do you think it would go?” Isak is skeptical, although something oddly familiar itches his memory. He realizes how much easier it would be if he actually met Even in high school.

Even clicks his tongue. “I would see you around the first day of school and-”

“And what? Just _know_?” Isak’s hand on Even’s chest, feeling his heartbeat. He doesn’t need anything else.

“Yeah. I’d just know.”

\---

Later that night, everyone is a little bit tired from crazy dancing i.e. just jumping and waving arms randomly in all directions to the silly 2000s music. The boys are at the huge oval table at the end of the room discussing something, talking over each other but – what is important – having fun. 

It’s just another stupid argument between them when Mikael doesn’t agree to compromise and insists he’s right and Adam fights back while Yousef tries to put his word here and there but mostly stays ignored and Mutta just watches them go on and on sipping his juice from the straw.

Elyse stands up from the couch she was sitting next to Isak and Even to resolve that whole mess.

Isak smiles against himself. It’s a good night.

“Do you want another?” Even says so close to his ear, voice low. He has been watching Isak nursing his empty bottle for twenty minutes now, and Isak smiles with one small nod. Even comes back in a minute, pecking Isak on the corner of his lips without even thinking. “To be honest, I don’t know how you can drink this shit.”

“Says someone who drinks apple cider.” Isak rolls his eyes.

“Woah. This," he raises his hand with a bottle, "tastes _good_. Your beer tastes like p-”

“The fuck?” Mikael barks a loud laugh, making Isak turn around. Isak’s eyes dart to Elyse, who is standing there confused as she looks at Even’s hand on Isak’s shoulder.

“Did they just…” Mutta mumbles.

Everyone fall into silence, staring at them – Elyse because she didn’t get it yet, Isak because he suddenly forgot how to use words, the boys because they are probably shocked and Mel– Well, Isak throws a quick glance at her standing in the doorway and he just knows she’s having fun watching them all struggle.

When Isak turns to look at Even, he’s already watching him. Isak doesn’t make a decision, it was made for him, but with a simple small nod he tells Even it’s okay. Deep down, he wanted it to happen tonight. He’s ready.

“ _Oh my god_!” Elyse yells so loud it makes some of the boys jump and look at her. “Even is _the_ boy! And the way you are way friendlier with each other than ever-"

"Wait," Adam puzzles. He looks at Isak and Even. "Are you two banging?”

“Come on, they aren’t that comfortable with each other yet.” Mel laughs from where she stands.

Isak almost says something when he catches Even’s expression- raised eyebrow and challenging look on his face, tongue slides over his teeth as he says: 

“You wanna bet or what?”

“No shit.” Melissa looks genuinely surprised. 

They continue playing their silent battle with their gazes when Isak speaks up, the booze in his blood making him braver. He shakes his head in fake disappointment. “A few mutual orgasms and you’re all ready to tell everyone about it?”

“I didn’t need to hear that.” Mel deadpans, making a face.

“What?” Even does a double take at Isak. “You’re supposed to be on my side!”

“Isak! Where did _that_ come from?!” Adam yells from somewhere behind him.

Isak ignores him and everyone else’s exclamations and only shrugs at Even’s scandalized face; he hears Elyse start to laugh and everyone joins her – Even can’t fight his grin for too long as well.

*** 

Alex doesn’t seem weirded out by Isak’s in his sport clothes anymore. Nor the fact Isak starts to wear it even more regularly.

This is his new routine, when he feels like he’s thinking too much, he puts his old sneakers on and goes jogging. He even stops the movie night with Even to go out for a run once. And it gets scary, that it’s the form of escapism, of running from his problems and thoughts again by physically exhausting himself.

Then again, running can’t be a bad thing, right? Not when he genuinely enjoys it.

So he runs, passing by flowerbeds, outracing slow cyclists, shaking his head in annoyance at absurd pigeons that seem to strive to get under his feet.

People live in the space they create themselves. It’s their own cocoon and some are lucky to be comfortable with it. But it doesn’t matter, because most of the time whether it’s comfortable or not, it’s difficult to get out of it. And when realization hits, the realization you can’t leave it – that you are stuck, the next conclusion to make is that it needs to be changed. The way is to reborn, to become different.

Isak makes a face at himself and wants to object in disagreement with this pretty, inspiring way of wording, because real life doesn’t work like this. 

Because it all comes to futility of life. You bounce, resist, try to fight back, push forward your paddles, scraps of watermelon and cigarette butts are in the water all around and you don’t even see where you are heading.

Isak can’t remember how many times he promised himself he’ll get better. And he tries, but it’s never enough.

He knows he needs to get better, to get help, maybe, because his thoughts might return to being unbearable. He knows he needs to get better, but it doesn’t mean he will. 

Then, a voice rings in his head, saying he has gotten better. It just took a bit more time than he thought it would and it’s only beginning, but he _is_ better now.

Two and a half kilometers later, Isak falls on the grass, lays on his back in starfish shape and looks out in the sky so blue he forgets he’s alive for a moment.

At first, it scares him. Again. He doesn’t mean anything. As an individual, he doesn’t – the universe is too big.

But Isak is so fascinated by the intensity, by the beauty of the color blue in front of him, by the way he gets lost in it- he knows it he’ll carry it in his mind as a photograph. 

Right now, Isak knows two things. The world is beautiful and if there is something worth living for, it’s this. And- breathing out, he feels his body go slack with the ease of realization- he is better. He is better.

*** 

“I don’t care if I’m the only boy you’ve ever liked.” Isak says suddenly breaking the comfortable silence they have grown to claim as their safe escape. Even brought this topic up earlier today and Isak couldn’t stop thinking about it. It’s normal to talk about this with your boyfriend of a few weeks and a friend of several months, right? “The most important thing is that you like me.”

It makes Even stir – the couch in the living room is too small to fit them both, but it’s a lazy afternoon for Isak and Even is tired after work so they don’t care – it makes Even stir so he can lie on Isak’s chest more comfortably.

“I do. I like you.” Snuggling to him, Even says quiet, but firm, his voice muffled by Isak’s shirt. “I’m still figuring this out, but I like you so much, Isak.” Even is so sweet it makes Isak’s heart shatter in pieces. 

“Okay. Good. I like you too.” He wraps his arms around Even and Even the hood of his white hoodie on, hides his face in Isak’s neck like he wants to shield himself from the outside world. “Maybe you’re bi? Like Elyse?”

“Maybe. But I don’t know. The word doesn't fit.”

“Isaksexual, then,” he jokes to lighten up the mood.

“Oh yeah, is that a thing now?” Even raises his head to look at him.

“Apparently. Look at you.”

“Dick.” Even rolls his eyes – a habit he probably got from Isak – and kisses Isak’s smile. 

He has to stop because Jess comes into the living room and as she sees them, plays with her eyebrows and says, leaning her head on her arm on the back of the couch:

“Well, well. Hello, boys.” 

Even sits up, to shake her hand and introduce himself.

“Babe,” Jess turns her head in the direction of Alex’s room and yells. “You didn’t tell me Isak’s boyfriend is so handsome.”

“Hell should I know?” Alex grumbles, walking out of the room and patting all his pockets to check if he forgot something.

Jess puts her hand to her mouth and fake-whispers looking Even directly in the eyes. “Don’t listen to him. I would steal you.” Then, she nods at Isak. “You’re a lucky pig, Isak.”

“Are you going out?” Isak asks, huffing a laugh.

“Sort of. Family dinner.” Alex frowns looking all jittery and nervous.

“Oi. Serious stuff.” Even makes a face, putting the holes of his hoodie over his knuckles.

Jess rolls her eyes. “My parents love Alex more than they love me. He’s just being a brat.” 

“Have fun, then.” Even yells as they disappear in the doorway. The answer is, “You two as well!” said in choir.

Isak leans back with Even pressed against him once again and he just can’t stop wondering, for the dear God he can’t. It’s amazes him to no end how both of them got here. If someone told him a boy who seemed so suave and straight would like Isak back for real, he would probably just laugh.

Even’s head is right where Isak heart is. Where it was broken once, where all fears live in. Even’s weight grounds him. 

He’s here. And Even does like him back and it’s the most obscure thing he faced in his life, the most beautiful thing he experienced.

He can imagine the thoughts in Even’s mind right now, it must be not so pretty if he’s feeling like this today and the best Isak can do right now is to share what’s in his head.

“One of my old friends, Eskild-”

“Your old roomie?” Even interrupts him, turning his head to have a better look at Isak.

Isak shakes his head and chuckles at that, at this little sentiment- he probably mentioned Eskild once or twice but Even remembered. “Yeah, he’s the one. He used to say that-,” he lowers his voice, afraid of Even interpreting what he’s about to say in a wrong way. “-attraction is a spectrum. The words people use to describe something it’s just… what people usually do, you know? Try to find a name for everything. Label it to understand it better. But sometimes it’s enough to just feel it to know it, no names involved. As long as you are happy, it’s great. That’s- that’s one perspective on this.”

“Makes sense,” Even answer quietly.

“Agreed. But then again, he found so much comfort in calling himself gay. Now that time has passed, I think I do, too. Even if it’s still scary to say it out loud sometimes.” This time it’s Even who hugs him tight, encouraging to keep talking. “But what I wanted to say is that there’s no deadline for this. Everyone’s experience is unique and important – some people know how they feel since they are kids and other people learn as they grow and go through life.” Leaving a kiss on Even’s temple, Isak whispers. “It’s all okay.”

Even looks up at Isak almost and keeps staring at him without blinking, then he says with a soft smile:

“I’ve never had a problem with me liking you. Or with me liking a guy in general. Although, at first it was more of “is it _me_ liking a guy? Can’t be.” As if I would have known it by now. You know?” 

Even laughs quietly at himself and Isak is just. Knows what peace means.

“Partly, yeah. I know.” Isak nods. He sees curiosity light up in Even’s eyes but he isn’t sure if he wants to be reminded of everything he felt back then. He’s afraid he’s going to get angry again. “That’s a story for another time, I think. Let’s not spoil such a lovely day with old teenage drama I wish I could forget.”

“I’ve googled things, you know.” Even says then with a nod. “It’s confusing, but, um. You’ll be the first person to know when I find out.”

“Well. Know that I’m honored.”

Isak bops Even’s nose and winks at him making Even laugh one more time. 

It’s a pretty laugh.

*** 

“Hello, Isak. My name is Emilio,” the man with a kind smile in his mid-40s softly says, gesturing to Isak’s right. “Coffee, tea, water on the table right behind you. Help yourself whenever you feel like it.”

“Thanks,” Isak struggles a small smile. 

Yeah, no way he’s going to walk over the table and make himself a drink- it is a form of hospitality and politeness, no more no less. Why is it even a thing? Nobody ‘helps themselves’ in situations like this.

Isak knows he’s tensed. He’s sure Emilio can read it on his face. At least Isak is confident a normal therapist can.

Isak’s first thought is defense – the lightning is suddenly too much, too bright and annoying. The table squeaking is annoying. Emilio’s smile is annoying. Isak’s pocket burn with the last message from Even that says “you’re doing great and I’m proud of you.”

But then it was Isak’s decision to be here. He should at least give this man a benefit of the doubt.

“How are you feeling today, Isak?”

Placing himself in front of Emilio on the couch, Isak thinks for a moment. How is he, really? The first though that comes to mind, as usual – nothing new. Then, this usual thing can be described in other words, and he knows what it is very well.

“Sad.”

“Sad how?”

“I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just, I always feel sad, I don’t know how not to, even if everything is objectively good.”

“Objectively good?”

“Yeah.”

“Sometimes we all feel sad even when our lives aren’t that bad, it’s normal. But maybe you consider your life bad?”

“No. I know it’s not bad. I have enough money to live comfortably, to afford a place to live in, to buy food and clothes. I study what I like. I have friends. A boyfriend. I know they all care about me and I care about them, too. I’m not supposed to have things to complain about.”

“But you are not satisfied.”

“I am not,” Isak nods. 

“What is it, Isak?”

The door Isak should have opened years ago. There is nothing stopping him now.

“I’m not satisfied with anything. I do things to distract myself from thinking too much, but I’m afraid that when it ends, everything will be back. It’s dark and ugly, I know by pitying myself I won’t make anything better but it’s how things are. And I’m so tired of feeling this way. I want to love my life, I just can’t make myself to because in the end nothing matters. I try to feel something else except for sadness and sometimes it works. For a moment, it works.”

He stops. Breathes out.

“And then sometimes I have these sudden, rapid yet so heavy waves of hate towards myself. At the same time, I don’t consider myself a bad person, not really. In the end, it all comes to if I’m feeling these things that hurt, it has to be for _something more_ , that there must be something that will come out of it. Sadness hurts, it _is_ painful, but it’s _mine_ and I don’t know who I am without it. But even though I’ve grown to accept my sadness, my loneliness, I’m still so, so terrified of it.” Isak swallows, his shoulders jolt. “Although, now that I have Even, it’s become slightly better.”

“Are you trying to say Even improved your wellbeing?”

“Yes. No. Dealing with everything is easier with him. We talk a lot, he struggles with some things as well and- I think mostly it’s all because he trusts me and I trust him.”

Isak means it when he says it. Not in the sense Even can make all his problems go away; even if he did, they would still come back, inevitably crashing on Isak again, and again, and again.

Maybe it isn’t healthy Even’s presence in his life has such an important weight, Isak doesn’t want to think where he would be right now without Even – not necessarily as a partner, but as a friend, too.

He has what he has though, it’s pretty good if you ask him and his fondness for Even turned into something steadier, something pure and simple. Still, doubts don’t leave.

“Everyone needs a support system. People are not robots, and even one person who truly believes in you and supports you can mean so much. It’s good you have someone to talk to,” Emilio says and the way he says it makes Isak believe him. 

“I’m also a little terrified of where I would be if not for him. I mean, I can’t predict future, what if we will break up? I feel like I shouldn’t let anyone be that kind of person for me.”

“Isak, do you think you deserve to be happy?”

Isak can’t answer this question. He just can’t, he genuinely doesn’t know.

“I don’t know. But I want to be.”

“What do you think you are doing right now?”

“Huh?” Isak scowls can’t help but feel defensive again. He knows he shouldn’t be, but he is.

“Right now, what are you doing? And I don’t mean you simply sitting on this couch in front of me.”

Isak tries to think, really tries. But nothing. Mind blank, he stares straight at Emilio, debating if he should leave right now. Then, he asks himself this question, spacing out for a minute. 

“I’m asking for help.” Isak nods, biting his lips.

Emilio just nods, encouraging Isak to continue. So Isak continues.

“But that’s not everything. These voices in my head- The fact I can’t be fully comfortable with myself, it’s slowly killing me.” He stops, playing with the hem of his shirt. He can do this. “Even and I went to a concert last week, just two of us. And he held my hand, never let it go. Hugged me. And I like it, I want him to hold my hand and hug me – I just, it was so crowded, I couldn’t help the feeling of being watched. Judged. It’s easier around our friends, but. Yeah. He doesn’t seem to have the same problem.”

“What do you think people are going to think?”

“That we’re together.” Isak realizes. “The truth.”

“And the truth is embarrassing for you?”

“No!” The thought of it is offensive and so, so wrong it makes Isak feel sick. “I’m not embarrassed to be with Even. It’s the other way around. I- I love him. And I’m proud of him in so many ways. But. It’s not exactly easy to forget the slurs someone once important said to me and- I guess I’m afraid the majority of people thinks the same. And I know, I swear I know I shouldn’t be bothered by what people I don’t know think. Still, that’s what is in my head.”

“Isak, you’re afraid people are going to think something bad, right?” Isak nods. “But the _bad_ you have in mind, it’s bad because _you_ perceive it that way. And as long as you do, it won’t stop. But other people differ from you, and what you think is bad or embarrassing – it doesn’t even have to do anything with your boyfriend, it’s about anything and everything, honestly – might be completely normal for others.” 

Isak’s shoulders fall as he bites his bottom lip.

“Yeah. You’re right. Also I’m a little confused but- Don’t get me wrong, I love Even. I love him, I do. But I’m just jealous of how easy it is for him, discovering himself and shit.” Emilio chuckles at that and it’s too late for him to hide it. “I was the first boy he ever liked and he just accepted it. He said to me _I didn’t know I could but I like you and I want to be with you._ Just like that. Of course, I never want him to suffer, I wouldn’t wish it to anyone. I just wish I didn’t have to go through what I had to.”

“It’s understandable. Nobody deserves to be humiliated or hated or bullied because of who they are. And you should always remember that there’s nothing wrong with you.” Emilio stops looking Isak straight in the eyes. Isak’s flinch in a hint of a smile. He knows it now, it’s still doesn’t make the doubts disappear. “Then, the way you feel jealous of Even’s experience, that’s very human of you, you know that, Isak?” Isak shrugs. “Maybe you want to talk about it with him. Tell him how you feel, so you work it through together, as a couple.”

“What if he gets mad at me?”

“Is it normal for him to get mad at you?”

Isak realizes Even never gets mad. 

“Not mad, no. But it will upset him. And he’ll be disappointed in me. For still not handling it all well and for feeling such negative kind of emotion towards him.”

“See, the thing you do all the time is make decisions for other people. How they are going to react, what they are going to think. There’s the thing: you don’t have that power. You have to give people a choice. A choice to support you, a choice to stay or leave, a choice to be understanding or disappointed. And when you give people that choice, Isak, they will surprise you.”

*** 

Even ❤ 

Hey bby  
How did therapy go?

Hey  
Can we meet  
[Location]

Is everything alright?

Yeah, it’s fine  
Just tired  
And I miss you

I’ll be there in 20

*** 

Even falls on the bench next to Isak – close, theirs thighs touch in such familiar way. He doesn’t know if there will be time Even stops having this effect on him. Honestly, he doesn’t want to.

Isak masters tired smile and quiet, “Hello.” He’s rewarded with Even’s delighted grin, so wide he can see wrinkles at his eyes.

“Are you okay?” He asks, eyes bright. Isak hums and falls silent, not knowing where to start. It’s as if he’s at the very start again, with no progress behind.

“You do it again,” Even puffs a few minutes later.

“What?”

“Babe, just talk to me.”

Isak sighs, biting his lip, and can’t find it in himself to look at Even. Instead, he watches a child run in front of his parents trying to catch a pigeon. He fails, of course.

“When it gets bad, what do you do to make yourself feel better?”

“I cry,” Even says and Isak feels him shrug. 

“Seriously?”

“What? One day you’re crying your eyes out, the next day you’re fine. I’m not talking about episodes though. Just usual stressful life stuff.” 

“Makes sense.” Isak leans closer, putting his head on Even’s shoulder. Even’s hand finds his and a moment later they sit with fingers intertwined. 

At the park. 

Isak realizes no one pays attention to them, and as Even starts to speak again, Isak closes his eyes.

“But honestly, when it got bad- like, really bad, Sonja used to say _you’re not weak, you’re just sick_ between the lines as if it was going to make me feel better about myself. And I hated it so much, the way that she saw my illness first, and not me. And I thought she is a bad person for thinking like that and I don’t deserve it, but then- I hated feeling sorry for myself, I thought I wasn’t allowed to. Only years later I realized- we love our parents and our friends and our lovers, right? Still, they are completely different people, they can’t know what we are going through. Well, they can, but they won’t ever _know_ know. It makes there is no one in the world who knows you better that you know yourself, and if you feel sorry for yourself, let yourself feel sorry. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human and it means you _care_. And when you care, you start paying attention to things that make you happy and you follow it, more often with every new day. Do whatever makes you feel content in this exact minute. It’s a way to make your bad emotions work for you and let you heal.”

“She was wrong.” Isak only says, and it’s quiet, but Even’s breathing hitches. “Sonja. For seeing your illness first. You’re so wonderful.”

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Even chuckles and ruffles Isak hair – at that, Isak snorts but doesn’t protest. 

One step at a time, Isak thinks. This is the moment. So with one final promise to himself, he pulls away and tells Even everything – about how he feels, what he thinks about when they touch in public, about how he’s jealous of Even for handling it with such ease, about how guilty he is for feeling like this.

“I didn’t know.” Even’s hold loosens and he wants to pull away completely, but Isak doesn’t let him.

“Are you disappointed?” Isak catches Even’s eyes with his, squeezing Even’s hand harder, not daring to blink.

“What? No, of course not! It’s such a touchy subject. I want you to feel comfortable around me, not to make assumptions on your own.” 

“So you’re upset.” Isak states, feeling his stomach twirl.

“Yeah. I am. I’m sorry for not realizing it still makes you feel so uneasy.” 

What?

“Hey, Isak. It’s not a bad thing.” A palm on his cheek, Isak can breathe again. “Thank you for telling me.” Even looks around, and then he’s back to look at him. Forehead to forehead, their noses touch. “Are you scared right now?”

“No.”

“Can I do this?”

Shaky gasp, Isak feels himself nod several times; then, hears Even’s sweet laugh. “Yes. Yes, you can. God, I love you.”

Isak says it and doesn’t really acknowledges it. It’s something he got so used to repeating in his head, something that he _knows_ , so when he actually says it out loud, he doesn’t notice it. His eyes closed, a second later Even is squeezing him in bear hug, dropping scattered, clumsy kisses all over his neck and jaw, whispering in his ear soft, “I love you.”

Before Isak has time to grasp what’s going on, Even pulls away and looks at him, tender and genuine. Isak is so lucky.

“Let’s make a deal.” Even says. “No matter what’s going on, we will always talk to each other about it, yeah?”

“You have the best ideas.”

Any other time Even would get all cocky and awkwardly wink at him, but right now he just keeps smiling, light glistening in his eyes. 

Isak feels at home, warm and unbothered. Peaceful.

“I’m in,” he nods.

“And I promise I will never going to judge you,” Even adds, stretching out his little finger. Isak holds onto it with his.

“I promise I will never going to judge you, too.”

*** 

The next day Isak buys pills Emilio prescribed him and sets another appointment.

*** 

Jonas

Hey.  
I know this one is totally out of blue and I’m sorry.  
I’m sorry for ignoring your messages all year,  
I’m sorry for being such a shitty friend before.  
My therapist told me I have to forgive myself first  
to feel good but I’m not there yet, I don’t think so,  
so I’m asking you. I’m sorry.  
He also told me I’m like the weeds in this beautiful  
garden of life, full of pretty, colorful flowers – I don’t  
call for much of attention, I’m perfectly fine on my own and  
I don’t need anyone’s help. It’s true.  
The last few years were tough and I thought I  
could manage handling it on my own- and you know,  
I did, but I made myself so unhappy in the process  
at some point I wanted everything to just stop.  
I miss you. Even if it’s sounds dumb and cheesy.  
I missed you all year.  
I know I’m probably being overdramatic right now  
and I promised myself not to make a big deal  
out of it but watch me doing exactly that.  
At least I feel like I’m comfortable enough to say it now.  
Through the text and not in person, but yeah.  
I’m gay.  
The first boy I’ve ever loved was Anders  
and now working through all my issues, I understand  
that all those awful things he kept saying made  
it so much harder for me to _be me._  
I hated myself- I still do sometimes, for a lot of  
different reasons. I’m learning to let it all go,  
and it’s difficult but I’m trying.  
I’m sorry and I miss you.  
I mean it. 

*** 

When Jonas didn’t answer Isak wasn’t surprised. Still, he hoped he would say something- anything, but leaving him on read was the cruelest thing. Something that Isak deserves, probably.

Two days pass, and Isak wants to forget he sent that message, his hands itch to go to their chat and delete it but he fights that urge.

He scrolls – yes, his old Instagram feed. The last time he did it was months ago, why he’s back to it he doesn’t know, but it surely makes his heart hurt.

When he sees an incoming call with Jonas’ photo on the screen, he almost drops his phone. The only person who calls him is his mom. And some ad.

Isak picks it up and sits up straight on his bed.

“I thought you won’t pick up.”

And it’s so weird to hear Jonas’ voice again. It’s the same Isak remembers it. Isak mentally slaps himself- why should it be different?

“Hi.” Isak squeaks.

“Sorry, there were no signal in the woods.” Jonas drags vowels. “So, Anders, hm?” Jonas asks as if nothing happened – and Isak knows he smiles, in the teasing way Isak remembers.

“Uh, yeah.” He chuckles, embarrassed.

“Explains a lot, honestly. Do you still talk to him?”

“No, Jonas,” Isak huffs, covering his face with his hand. “Sometimes you have to cut a bitch out.”

There’s silence after that and Isak hold his breath for a second. “Does that make me a bitch, too?” Jonas finally asks, catching Isak off guard.

“No! Why would you-”

“You stopped talking to me too, you know? And with the boys. Everyone, actually.”

Sigh, pause, Isak closes his eyes. “Yeah, I know. I’m-”

“I’m glad you texted. I missed you, too, Isak.”

*** 

It’s not Jonas’ idea.

They talked for hours yesterday – Isak felt so guilty for missing out so much of his best friend’s life.

Jonas told him about how his parents are doing and filled him in with the boys’ news as well – they are as tight as ever. It made him smile. Jonas didn’t ask, but Isak mentioned Even and Elyse and their friends and how good they all make him feel.

Isak knew what he wanted to do next, talking to Jonas turned out to be the final push.

Hello!  
I know it’s been literally over a year  
I don’t even know if you all have the same numbers  
But I’ll be in Oslo for my mom’s birthday in August before Uni starts  
and I wanted to meet up with all of you if you’re available  
I owe you an explanation and an apology

Magnus:  
Isak!!! Wow, it’s been ages  
I missed you man  
Of course we would love to meet!

Jonas:  
I’ll be there

Mahdi:  
Didn’t think I would ever hear from you again

Magnus:  
+++

I know. And I’m sorry

Magnus  
But where are you staying?  
You know that flat share is gone, right?  
You can crash at mine and Mahdi’s couch in the living room if you want!

Isak’s heart breaks. But now or never. He promised himself he’s willing to change, fix things.

This is very sweet but no worries  
My boyfriend and I are renting an Airbnb or something

Magnus:  
You’ve got a boyfriend whaaaat 😍  
Is he hot?

...  
Well I like him so

Magnus:  
Good for you ;)

Thanks? Ugh  
What about you, Mahdi?

Mahdi:  
Idk man don’t you think it’s weird  
You don’t talk to us for a year  
And now expect us to welcome you with open arms  
It doesn’t work like that

I know  
I'm sorry I don't know what else to say

Mahdi:  
Me neither  
Congrats on a boyfriend though

Before Isak has time to start freaking out, the screen lights up with a private message from Jonas:

Don’t worry Mahdi will come around

Are you sure

Yes, I’m sure  
He’s just hurt  
I was, too

I’m sorry

But now I know you’ve been dealing with a lot and had your reasons  
Even though I would rather you’d come talk to us

I don’t deserve you

Stop this nonsense, okay?  
Stuff happen, it’s life  
I’m happy you’re at better place right now and I can’t wait to meet Even  
You promised me our friendship is going to survive long distance  
Remember?  
I’m going to hold you on that promise

Thank you, Jonas

Of course.

*** 

Isak wakes up pretty early in the morning. It’s raining outside, but the bed is warm. The reason makes Isak smile wide, with his eyes still closed. He snuggles closer to Even.

He doesn’t need look to know what’s in front of him.

Even’s hair of linen color are in the mess on what is claimed now Isak’s pillow – Even loves to steal it so much when he’s asleep. Bare shoulder rubbing his, hundreds of freckles are sparkling on Even’s milk skin in dim light.

Blinking, Isak sees it.

Legs too long, make feet freeze without a duvet – Isak makes a face and pulls them up under the cover, in warmth. He bumps Even’s foot in the process; as he does so Even’s eyelashes flatter.

Then, his shy smile, his sleepy eyes, his touch. One loud smooch somewhere between Isak’s clavicle and neck.

His love is steady now. It isn’t about _what ifs_ , and running away from fears anymore. It’s team work in progress, an anchor Isak lets himself have.

It isn’t easy, but it’s his choice and he’s pretty content with it.

And this is how it’s going to go.

He’ll leave bed first and find Elyse in the kitchen – surprised first, because it’s rare he stays over at Even’s - only when his parents aren't home. She’s going to tease him and he won’t react so she won’t tease him even more. Then, she will mention something about how summer is going to end before their eyes and he’ll hum in agreement while struggling to make coffee for himself with Even’s parents old coffee machine. Even is going to join just in time to wrap his hands around Isak middle and with a quick kiss on his temple, will gently move him away from coffeemaker to do it himself. Isak will roll his eyes – of course.

Someone will say something funny and their laugh multiplied by three will wake up Mel – she’ll appear in the kitchen door with unpleased expression and annoyed, “Ew. I wasn’t prepared for the amount of male nakedness in the morning.” She’ll join their laugh with in a few minutes though.

This is how it’s going to go. And while Even falls asleep again, Isak’s feet touch the cold floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huh  
> if you're reading this it means you reached the end! wow. 
> 
> i can't thank you enough for sticking around with this story and i really hope it brought you the same joy it brings me. obviously, it focuses mainly on sexuality and accepting yourself and it isn't what i usually write but i needed to do it and make it right. it took me longer than i thought but i'm pretty happy with how it turned out.  
> you guys are truly amazing, i love you. thank you again.


End file.
